The Woman In White (Lifeline Theatre Company)

Let me preface this review with a little warning:
If you like to look at women’s legs, this is probably not the play for you.

Personally, I can do without legs for 3 hours, so this show was a great fit for me.

Lifeline Theater has a long history of turning long books into long plays and this time they really hit it out of the park!

Let’s start with a long synopsis of the classic “The Woman In White”. The Woman In White is the first modern mystery ever written. It was very popular in 1859 and was written by the legendary Wilkie Collins. The story centers on this girl named Laura and her art teacher, Walter. And her sister?

Well, Laura falls in love with Walter ( a valiant and artistic Nicholas Bailey), but since Walter is poor, she has to marry this guy played by the Acting Robot and Eldritch God of Dialect Robert Kauzlaric. I forgot his character’s name, but he is the bad guy, I think. Then there is this other guy from either Scotland or Italy and all these rats in birdcages on a stick was there, too. That guy was played with great gayness by Christopher Walsh.

Now before you get all uppity about the word “gayness”, let me explain what I mean. If you are on the Jeff Committee, and you are watching an old timey play, the gayer the dudes act, the better the play is. So if you are playing a guy who wears a cape and rings and you have huge monologues that go nowhere, than you better put a little bit of wiggle in those big manly hips of yours. Christopher Walsh shakes those hips with the confidence of a 19 year old twink.

Our woman in white in this production is played with great attractiveness by Maggie Scrantom. This kid has it all. At first you think she is someone else because she is acting like somebody sewed her hands on backwards, but then you are like, “Oh, thank God her hands are on right. She was just doing that Brad Pitt crazy person hands thing.”

A note for actors: All crazy people have no control over their hands.

There is a goofy Frenchman named Louis (played with rawkus hilarity by Greg Wenz), there is a bossy sister (the deliberate and handsome Lucy Carapetyan) and a few different old guys (the always incredible and never bending Don Bender).

BUT, let me tell you where the real acting is in this show. There are 2 women who play 30 characters combined. They are the maids, the housekeepers, the church clerks, the mothers, the wives, and they might have even played the mice in the birdcages! Loretta Rezos and Anita Deely have a super hard job in this show, and they do an incredible job.

When you do plays like this, most theatre goers spend all their time trying to bang the leads, but we actors, we know where the honey is. It’s with the actors who play all the roles that need to be played. You can’t just trust those to anyone, and in my opinion, you save those roles for the most talented actors you can find. Anybody can play a screaming lady or a guy with a mustache, but not everyone can make each of their 6 characters diverse and believable and unrecognizable from the last.

If you are an actor, The Woman In White is a good play to see because it is a Master’s Class in this sort of stuff.

I learned a lot about England and I also had some cookies in their beautiful lobby!

Don’t miss this great show that will keep you thinking about what is happening and who the real killer is!!


A+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Eric & Andy's DEBATE SHOW

Did you watch the debates at home alone last night?

Did you just watch Home Alone?

Well why don’t you quit being a ding-a-ling, get off your buns, and join Eric and Andy for their first ever Eric and Andy’s DEBATE SHOW!!

Life is made to be lived, and what better way to live then with America’s new favorite Political Pundits!!?

More like America’s new favorite Political FUNdits!

We are ready to host the 2nd Presidential Debate at Strawdog Theater on Tuesday October 16th!!

The doors will open at 7pm. At 7:30pm, we will discuss the rules of various games we will be playing during live coverage of the debate.

Immediately following the debate, stick around for our own town hall meeting to discuss the direction of our country and what Medicare is.

Don’t miss out on the excitement of LIVE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES fashioned into a DRUNKEN BLOODSPORT FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENTS!

A $5 suggested donation at the door will get you $3 PBR TALLBOYS and some of Strawdog’s famous craft beer menu items!

Why sit at home and weep into your hot dog soup? Come and join your heroes and weep into your BEER SOUP.

Dirty (The Gift Theatre Company)

 Life can be overwhelming sometimes.

Especially in the Fall. As theatre people, Fall is usually our busiest time and we are all finishing planning our seasons and trying to book our final Spring shows. So, it has taken me a while to write about this play I saw a couple weeks ago called “Dirty” out at The Gift.

Not because I didn’t like it. I, in fact, REALLY liked it. The acting is great. 

But here's the thing:

This kid Michael Patrick Thornton has it all going on for him. He is a handsome TV star, so he doesn’t care what I think about it. Tom Hickey is in it, and he is always awesome, so HE doesn’t care what I think. The great Jon Berry directed, and the now hugely popular Andrew Hinderaker wrote it, so they could care less about my opinion, so it makes it harder for me to even get into it, because these 4 dudes are at the fucking TOP OF THE GAME.      

You all know it, too. You KNOW this play is good. It is an act too long. The story gets a little too complicated…whatever. It’s awesome and you all know it already without even seeing it.

The play is about making porno movies. See, the main couple likes to watch porno movies. The dude (Thornton) is unhappy with his life as a stock broker or something and his wife (the robust and comely Hillary Clemens) is a struggling…I wanna say…Not-For-Profit…Women’s shelter worker? Something like that. So the guy decides he hates his job and wants to start a porno movie company. The wife says she will help, but they have to have rules about the movies they make. No schoolgirl fantasies, nobody under 25, basically she doesn’t want these movies to have anything in them that makes you want to watch a porno.

If it was up to ladies, all of our porno movies would be middle aged women getting butt massages from Adrian Brody in a cake factory.

So this broad tries to get Mike Thornton to get down with this idea and of course he says yes because if your wife is letting you make porn, you have to agree to her rules, no matter how stupid they may be.

So then this lady (the Guatemalan and electrifying Mouzam Makkar) shows up who wants to be in the porno movies and she is only 20 years old.

Then it gets super complicated.

All the actors are awesome, of course. You know it and I know it. They are all probably better than you are.

Michael Patrick Thornton. Do you know about this guy? Of course you do. He’s great. His best quality though, is that he acts like he doesn’t care if anyone is there watching or not. Super relaxed, very casual. That is a cool trait to have in this city of stupid improvisers who cry if you don’t laugh at them because something went terribly wrong in their home life.

Anyway, you already want to see it, so go already. It is a very, very good play.

A+ 

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Interview with Louisville Legends Scott Davis and Joey Arena (Alley Theater of Louisville)

About a year ago, Eric and I had a chance to go down to my old Kentucky home and meet with the men who made my life choice of being an actor seem reasonable.
In high school, I became involved in the now REfunct Alley Theater Company.
The stars of the theatre are not only incredible artists, but they also became my mentors and truthfully, are still my heroes to this day.
Scott Davis and Joey Arena were invaluable in my teenage years. Teaching me how to make plays and smoke Marlboros, the importance of coffee and Caryl Churchill.
Today, the new Alley Theater won a couple awards from Leo Magazine, a popular Liberal rag down in Louisville.
Here is our interview for your perusal and enjoyment!
*Please remember the shows they are plugging are from a year ago, but feel free to check out the Alley website here.
 
Louisville Theatre Forever!  

Hi guys! Thanks for having us down here to Louisville for a visit to your new theater!

Scott Davis-Thanks for coming. So, what do you want?

Is there some sort of vending machine in your theater?  I could use a Grape Nehi.

Joey Arena: I’ll send the Stage Manager out for one.

That would be grape! So, tell me dudes, I haven’t seen you for almost 15 years. What is this new Alley Theater about?

SD-Well, a lot has changed since you were here.  We actually try to hire actors instead of teenagers who can’t get into drama club productions

JA: Ouch!  We also aren’t building sets out of cardboard anymore.  Well, not very often anyhow.

If you build sets out of cardboard in Chicago, they call you a genius and give you a job at the Court Theater!

JA: We were just ahead of our time, not poor, right?

SD-Actually, since we’re older now we’re hoping to be more on the curve than ahead of it.

                                                                               Scott Davis on a Wednesday


Scott, when you started the Alley, how old were you, and what made you decide to set up in Louisville?

SD- Honestly, I had work back in LA, but I’d married an Australian girl who made a lot of enemies in LA and didn’t want to go back.  So, I was kinda stuck here and no one was doing the kind of shows I wanted to do and another internship with ATL just didn’t appeal.  I was 25.

Had you and Joey been friends for a long time before that?

JA: We had both been hearing for years (while in high school mind you) “You remind me of Scott Davis”.. “You should meet Joey Arena, you guys are so much alike”.. and then back in 1985 we finally ran into each other at the premiere of David Lynch’s ‘Dune’ at the Showcase Theater.  And we’d been friends ever since.  So when the Alley came along, Scott came back from LA, and we happened to run into each other again, I climbed aboard.

That’s great.  You know, a lot of really wonderful partnerships came out of people bonding over
the terribleness of David Lynch’s DUNE.  I think that’s how Seals and Crofts got together.

JA: Let’s not forget Shields and Yarnell.

SD-I want to do Lidsville the musical!

When I first came around, you were auditioning for 2 kids to play Siamese twins in Joey Arena’s play “Prometheus J. Dunn’s Jubilee Circus Sideshow”.

JAL Oh god.  That show was terrible.  I actually haven’t written another play since out of shame. Weren’t you like 15 or 16 Andy?

That play might have been terrible to you, but it opened my eyes to a new way of making theatre. When you are in high school, you think all plays are like A Christmas Carol, and that everyone is jerks and that all directors are old guys with beards and berets. But when I came to audition, I was 14 years old and you guys were smoking cigarettes in an old storefront warehouse.


SD- Nah, we just did it to get a 14 year old boy in a dress for gay pride week

JA: Well, that’s awesome!  It was, I suppose, a leap from productions with money and rules.. we did what we wanted (well, at that time, mostly what Scott wanted.. he was the one with the vision of the theater) and however we could and thought was best.  We still sort of do that here.. but now we try to actually make enough to pay the actors and support ourselves.  Our choice of material is still “a little off center”.. in fact we revamped (pardon the pun) “Vampire Lesbians of Sodom” about a year and a half ago.

SD-Did you see Point Break Live up there?

Well, with paying your actors and supporting yourselves, you guys are ahead of about 98% of Chicago storefront theatre in general.  How would you describe Andy’s acting style?

SD-It’s been a while, but his style fit in with what we were doing at the time.  Depending on who was heading a show Andy could take direction.  Or, if he was working with someone like me, was comfortable being told to trust himself and make it up as he goes along.--And never forget to speak over the actors that suck and if another actor goes up on his lines to look them dead in the face and say “and...?”  Seriously though, the base for the work was happening at the same time as a lot of the Twyla Tharp theater adapting (Anne Bogart’s Viewpoints) where the work really came from the actors.  He was comfortable playing and fun to work with.

JA: As I recall, he took direction well, but needed LOTS of it!  Very enthusiastic, and mildly spastic.  A comedic director’s dream really.  He was VERY funny.

                                                                  Joey Arena after his first marriage

One time, we were doing  Caryl Churchill’s Cloud 9 and I had what turned out to be pneumonia. I was a pretty heavy smoker when I was 15, so the coughing was miserable. One night, I was on stage (I played Joshua and Cathy) and I talked to Scott backstage and asked him what I should do. He told me to not believe that I had to cough. Well, it worked, and ever since then, whenever anything bad happens in my life...including paying bills or dealing with my employers, I have chosen to not believe it.

SD- Wow, I give terrible advice.  Sucker!

JA: Scott is a bit less Kung-Fu zen these days.

SD- I have kids.

So tell me what makes Louisville Theatre different from say, Chicago Theatre?

SD- Us..And you have Second City.

JA: I think we have more clearly defined niches for the theater groups here due to there being fewer of us.. We’re the “weird” theater, Centerstage is the “Musical” theater, Wayward is the “Theater about theater” theater... although with our current production of “Evil Dead: The Musical” we’re gunning for the Centerstage 80 year old musical theatergoer crowd :)

I love it.  I sometimes feel that there are too many companies in Chicago, and they all end up doing the same things...there will be multiple productions of the same plays all the time.  With a smaller market, it seems you guys can really stake your claim to what you want to do, rather than following some sort of trend.

SD- The niche we seem to be covering right now is doing shows that are fun and about entertaining the audience.  Most don’t even have a cleverly hidden message.  About half the shows include the line “the bar is open and the more you drink, the funnier we are”.

JA: Well, it’s not that we try to stake out an area really, so much as we do what we think needs to be done, or would be fun to do, and that sets us apart because we don’t ever decide that “Noises Off” or “Brigadoon” would be fun.

I have been thinking about the way I have theatre and it always comes back to you guys. Scott was a hard working dude, always painting and building and interested in talking about technique. Joey was a stand up comic, always with a hot chick on a motorcycle and had earrings and shit and liked to party. I have tried to balance both of those things and recreate both of you in one person. Are you guys still the Ying and Yang of each other in that respect?

SD- Pretty much.  Although in all fairness when putting a show together Joey is a lot more organized and focused on the way a show comes together than I am.  I still pretty much walk by with a hammer and yell notes out.

JA:  Yeah.. I’m the divorced partier who still rides a motorcycle and dates young girls, and Scott is a married father of 2 lovely monsters

SD- My kids think Joey is always right

JA: So in that regard not much has changed.  And our directing styles are still VASTLY different, but I think that’s why we’ve always worked well together.  I’m detail oriented and Scott is.. um... artistic.

I’d like to say that Joey puts together a mean case for divorce in that last answer.  Also, could I find out some more about Scott blowing himself?

JA: Which time?

SD- Uhm, it was blowing myself “up”.  The first time-yeah, first time-I was doing some pyro for my birthday party and someone had premixed some chemicals and put them back in  their original containers.  Very Hot explosion.  Ended up in the hospital having someone cut flesh of my arm and spent a couple of months having it trimmed and salted (tasted better that way)...
Kept most of my hair though.--Oh, it was my left arm.  I wasn’t dumb enough to light the bomb with my favored hand.

You guys sound like crazy people. So tell us what we have to look forward to at the Alley Theater this year and also, what are your favorite companies in Louisville?

SD- I am the most normal crazy person you will meet...My favorite companies in Louisville would have to be La Petomaine and Damaged Goods Improv.  As for our season.  It opens with Evil Dead, then it’s Hitchhiker’s Guide (radio shows) Star Wars in 60 or less, the Matrix-then after that we get serious and don’t do a movie for the next couple of months.  We do have an original piece called Hughesical the Musical about a bunch of GenXers who have based theire lives off of his movies.  And in March we have The InHuman: A Festival of New American Zombie Theater. Festival runs opposite Humana--My favorite theater company is out of New York-The Vampire Cowboys

JA: I’m a traditionalist.. I love Actor’s Theater and The Louisville Ballet.  We are also doing “Some Things You Need To Know Before The End Of The World (A Final Evening With The Illuminati)” at the end of this season..  And I’m touring Evil Dead as well.  (Know of a theater in Chicago that seats over 400 and doesn’t mind a few gallons of blood poured on their floor?)

I actually know a few theaters like that. We will talk about it. So guys, thanks for the visit. As we move forward in our explorations, we certainly hope to have you guys up to Chicago and I can host you in something that you have helped create. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GRAPE SODA??

SD-We have Orange or Mogen David.

JA: I’ll fire the Stage Manager.


A++

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Snow White and the Huntsman (Movie Review)

Remember when we didn’t have On Demand and Netflix? It was a much simpler time because you could go to the movie theater to see a movie, or go to the video store and choose a classic or a New Release for maybe 4 bucks. You would be so excited on your drive home with your video cassette.

“I can’t wait to check out this Saving Private Ryan! I hear the beginning scene is awesome!”

Then you would get home and put your arm around some girl from your chemistry class and get ready to touch some boobs.The first scene  was awesome, but then you were stuck with the last 180 scenes that weren’t as awesome and you already touched her boobs.

Nowadays, that same girl is a meth head and you have Netflix right there on your tv! So for 8 dollarinis a month, you can choose between 400,000 movies and the only thing that differentiates a new release is one little line above it.

All movies have finally become equal. There is equal ground for everything. There is only “New To Me” movies out there now. And because of that, and the readiness and availability of films, I spend a lot of times watching the first 10 minutes of something, realizing it is stupid and then watching something else.

But even I occasionally get fooled.

I LOVE to watch re imaginings of things. Those Tim Burton things, Transformers, Batman, Sherlock Holmes, whatever. I will watch them all. There is something familiar that I enjoy. I like feeling like I am taking a trip to a place I have been before. You can dig deeper and take different paths through the same forest you already love.

I decided to take the trip to Snow White and The Huntsman. We are all familiar with the Disney film and the Grimm tale version where Snow White falls asleep because her Step Mother is a bitch and then a prince kisses her and wakes her up. There are dwarves and apples and it’s all gravy. The end.

Now this fucking thing...ugh. Just thinking about this piece of TOTAL GARBAGE is making me tired. I fell asleep on 2 different occasions trying to make it through, but I finally did. In fact, the more I am thinking about this movie, the less I feel like talking about it, so let’s make this quick.

Charlize Theron is good.

The guy from Thor is good, but he has like 10 lines and just looks at the camera with his pretty eyes.

The editing, direction and script are all worthless.

The dwarfs are all played by famous British people, which seems like a waste of regular sized British people.

Then we have Kristen Stewart. Kristen has made a name for herself in the Twilight movies where she plays some teenager that likes vampires? Or is a pregnant vampire? I don’t know. Never saw it.

But in Snow White, she plays Snow White who is not only supposed to be beautiful, but also kind and friendly and not look like she is smelling gross farts all day.

So why would they choose old Fart Nose for this?

I’m sure she is good at playing an angsty teen, but why would you want her to be the most beautiful lady in the world? Ugh. She is just terrible.
I wish they made words that were worse than “terrible”, because I would use it for this bitch.

Then, after Snow White wakes up from her poisoned sleep, she is the General of the army that goes to fight the Step Mother.

So...Thor and a guy from the Hunger Games and these British dwarfs decide to go and TAKE ORDERS from an ugly teenage American girl...

You know what? It’s not even worth it.
I tried to write an opening to this to disguise it as some piece about the cons of buying a movie when it will be free on Netflix in 5 weeks, but really...I can’t do it.

This movie is just fucking miserably bad.

If you saw it, let’s start a support group.

F-

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

The Wedding of Ryan Bollettino and Courtney Rickard (wedding review)

I bet you are wondering where we have been.

Did we break up? Is theatre dead to us? Has life got us down?

No way pals! Life has got us UP! We might have what doctors are calling UP SYNDROME!

It is still pretty much like Down Syndrome, but we are retarded with HAPPINESS!

As for theatre, sure we’re still in the game...just on our own terms. My boy Andy here is directing a play that should scare your pants off on purpose. And I’m in a show that should scare you involuntarily!

But during the summer, we like to take a break and reflect on our lives, spend times with our women, and to celebrate in different states. One such opportunity presented itself last weekend, in the small town of Mears, Michigan.

Our good friend Ryan Bollettino, Phish enthusiast and fan of juicy hamburgers everywhere, got married to the lovely and tall Courtney Rickard.

If you don’t know Ryan, or as the old people call him, Bollo, then you don’t know shit about nothing. He was once a quickly rising star in the Chicago Theatre scene and a member of the weird and famous Hypocrites Theatre Ensemble.

I first met Bollo when he was working at the Griffin theatre in the late 90s. Oh, did we dance to some Rascall Flatts and play hackysack while watching The Green Mile on standard definition TV sets!

And I first met Ryan in the early 00’s when I asked him to buy me a 40 of Malt Liquor outside of Carol’s on Karaoke Night. He said no, but I knew we would be friends forever.

MALT LIQUOR GETS THEM PANTIES DROPPED QUICKER!

So here is a rundown of what happened on Saturday.

We left early. The skies were bright and full of hope. We were hoping to stop at one of the 15,000 blueberry farms. It struck me that in this economy, maybe blueberries aren’t the best decision, for a farmer to rely on, or any sort of berries for that matter. Unless they are Meth Berrys.

We stopped for a jerky/pee break and made our wives brew some sun tea at the rest stop. We realized we only had a short time to get to the wedding and sit there and relax for 7 hours. So, we kept moving even though the sun tea was half done.

In our delerium, we stopped 4 more times at various antique malls, searching for old Playboy Magazines and sausage grinders from the 1920s.Our search was fruitless, because we already had all the sausage grinders and Playboys they had, and there was no way we were paying $16 for a copy of Tawny Kitaen with her nips out.

Full of half brewed tea and our jaws packed with jerky, we rolled into the Silver Lake Resort area. Everyone had dune buggies. More dune buggies than all the Mad Max films combined. All different sizes and colors, but no sign of the wedding! Was this wedding happening on a dune buggy course?

Of course not. That’s what Bollo would have wanted, but Courtney would never stand for a dune buggy wedding.

Instead, we were welcomed into what looked like a Knights Of Columbus lodge from the late 70’s.

Everything about it was wonderful. I kept expecting Sam Elliot and Patrick Swayze to bust all ass in a knock-down, drag-out set to the sweet sounds of The Jeff Healy Band. But, luckily, they weren’t invited to the wedding. There’s no way a blind guy can play a guitar that well!

The evening started with the actual ceremony, where many guests, including us, went and sat on this patio thing and Bollo was waiting at the altar for his nubile young bride. It was the most beautiful of Michigan nights.

Bollo had hired only the finest concert musicians and forced them to play covers of terrible songs from the 80s. This was his devilish streak coming out to play. I chuckled to myself, but everyone heard it.

In a matter of seconds, there stood before us one of the most beautiful visions we have ever seen. A tall blonde in a white dress. She was walking very slowly and dramatically. Her walk told me that maybe she had been thinking about how she was going to walk down the aisle. She did it just like she practiced and everyone stood up and cheered because she was so happy and the quartet was playing “She’s My Cherry Pie” which we thought was a fitting song for Michigan.

I think that meant the ceremony was over, so we retired to the deck where horse’s ovaries and drinks were being served. I thought the ovaries were oversalted a bit, but the bug juice was properly mixed and we proceeded to get FACED.

Whenever a celebrity like Ryan Bolletino gets married, you can expect to see others. AND BOY DID WE!!! As soon as you turned your head, there was another Theatre Legend!!

Rob McLean and Erin Myers are admiring the view! Jennifer Grace and Mechelle Moe are playing lawn darts! Nikki Klix and Angelina Martinez are talking about how their shoes hurt! Geoff Button and Jennifer Santanello are playing high stakes Euchre! Sara Jean McCarthy has a knife!

It’s a theater EXPLOSION! Plus, all of Ryan’s uncles were dressed like Will Farrell’s version of Robert Goulet and are yelling “GOULET!” at each other. I couldn’t believe this actually was an organized effort so I followed a group of them to the woodshed. Turns out, they’re Illuminati! Figures.

After a glorious dinner of Michigan vegetables and roasted meats, the time had come to really let loose! We started with a quick trip to the photo booth and some dancing to Nelly’s Greatest Hits. The drinks were really flowing, and the jackets were coming off!

As we were wandering out onto the skeet shooting course to light fireworks, the unthinkable happened. It started to rain. We laughed and cajoled as we ran for the shelter of the Val-Du Lodge for some more pepsis and pizza pies.

Perhaps one of these Illuminati members would know someone in Heaven who could turn off this rain, but it turns out that they were just Kiwanis Club. The mood didn’t falter, not even for a second, because the party kept going!

Finally we were able to get our pics in the photo booths using Mechelle Moe’s pleathora of props that it had taken her a full decade to find! Our creative sides came out when I dressed as an angel and my wife wore a pig hat with flapping pig wings!

Now sometimes Eric gets the giggles. That can go in a couple different directions. Either he gets the giggles and laughs himself to sleep, OR sometimes, Eric’s giggles turn him into a vicious demon, hell bent on having the TIME OF HIS LIFE!

And what I needed this time was a CRAB SOCCER GAME. I recruited most of the waitstaff and the Goulets and the black bus boy to go out in the rain and strip to our skivvies and play crab soccer with a beach ball left over from last weekend’s Jimmy Buffet Beachcomber BBQ and Beer Trivia Quest.

The Rickard family was screaming from the shelter for Eric to stop, but he didn’t. Their screams only made the game stronger and wilder. People were getting kicked in the face because Eric had wisely thought ahead and brought cleats to wear with his suit.

While Eric was distracting the crowd, I had discovered that the photoboard projections were showing freshy uploaded pics of the party. So with a simple $5 bill and a wink/handshake, I was able to gain full access to this program. When the crowd that was left gazed at the picture screen, they were treated to glorious upclose phone pictures of my butthole.

As I strolled in after the best crab soccer game Silver Lake Resorts had ever seen, I could hear the murmurs of the crowd:

“Whose butthole is that?”

“Seems like a butthole.”

“That butthole is surprisingly white and clean.”

“I wonder if that is Geoff Button’s b-hole?”

Our women were not pleased with our behavior, but this had become the hottest party in the county!

Soon, all the old people were doing “The Butthole” dance that Eric had taught them. It’s a lot like The Electric Slide with some Macarena, but with plenty of gestures to your own personal butthole.

After the crowd Buttholed the night away, it was time to say goodnight to our incredible hosts and to wish them the best on their new journey together.

I told Ryan and Courtney that they are a wonderful couple and I wished them a mazel! I then told them about the shower I was going to take later.

Not to be outdone, we told them that we had found a baby in the woods and to call the authorities. Then we left the confused and panicked partiers together.

“To our hotels for showers and some of the meats we had stolen from the reception!” I declared.

I think it’s one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to and the memories we made there will last a lifetime, or at least until the senility finally kicks in and it’s nothing but crab soccer games and butthole dances.


Congrats, Courtney and Ryan! We love you!


The Wedding of Ryan Bollettino and Courtney Rickard: A++


-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Drek Fest VI (Stage Left Benefit)

Last night, Eric was a judge on the Drekfest VI panel.  Drekfest is an annual benefit/contest held by Stage Left to decide who is the worst writer of short plays.  All in all, a rollicking good time.

Presented here in its entirety, with permission of author Jake Lindquist, is the 2012 Grand Loser.  Reminder: this is an absolutely horrible piece of trash.  Read at your own risk.

Abortion Carnival of the Juggalos

A Conservative Tale Complete with Ferris Wheels and a Pro-Life Message

Cast of Characters
JUGGALO: The motherfuckin’ man
JUGGALETTE: His motherfuckin’ bitch
FAYGHOST: The motherfuckin’ narrator
ABORTION KING 47 Loves Abortin’

Place
Who gives a shit!

Time
Whenever the fuck you want. Although, I think it should be the year 2015 so everyone has hoverboards and shit. Marty McFly wouldn’t let us down. Whoop Whoop!

NOTE TO ANYONE WHO HAS THE BALLS TO PUT THIS SHIT ONSTAGE

This play is supposed to be about two things.

1. Why abortion is completely wrong. As Evangelical Christians, that’s right Juggalo’s are fucking Evangelical Christians but you didn’t know that you little bitch, we believe in the sanctity of life and family. FA-MI-LY! FA-MI-LY! So if you’re not pro-life you can just go ahead and kill yourself.

2. Why Juggalos are productive members of society. Just because a few of us do some dumbass shit, we got jobs and things like that. We don’t go eating the faces of homeless people of the Miami highway that’s for real. We more real and honest than all these posers and this gotta represent the ICP way that they preach in their lyrics. After the chaos ends we gotta show a little social responsibility. Whoop Whoop!

When this shit gets started there’s a giant ass ferris wheel onstage. I promised Ferris Wheels, it’s in the title, there better be a fuckin’ ferris wheel. Riding round and round in the cars is the FAYGHOST. FAYGHOST is a giant bottle of Grape Faygo that is a robot/ghost/angel that is the god-like overlord of the theatrical world. He is not really God because there is only one God and to believe in something else is fucking stupid. Remember, Juggalos are Evangelicals so they love and accept everyone…who completely agrees with them. Whoop Whoop! The FAYGHOST should be made of multicolored metals and gold and all kinds of crazy shit.

FAYGHOST
This Ferris Wheel kicks ass! What’s up ninjas? You ready for some real tight shit that’s gonna blow your fuckin’ mind out your ass through a canon? Whoop Whoop! I’m the Fayghost yo, and I’m here to teach you all about some real shit that’s goin’ down in our neighborhoods today. Abortion! It’s the in air we breathe and in the Faygo we drink. We gotta do something about this bullshit. We gotta do our part to give back to the community in ways other than beating up our grandmothers and stealing their cars.

Which only happened once and was a completely isolated incident. Besides, that grandmother had it coming. She voted for Obama.

FAYGHOST
Fizz fizz bubble pop, it’s time for ya’ll to learn some shit. Let’s make some noise! Whoop Whoop! I got a story to tell you about a little sister who learned a big lesson about abortion and why It’s bad. And when this shit is done, donate some of your time to a local homeless shelter or start a canned food drive.

Like I said, social responsibility!

FAYGHOST
Two Juggalos, both alike in musical taste
In wherever the fuck you want to lay the scene.
From ancient grudge break to new bullshit
Where aborted blood makes aborted hands unclean.
Turn that shit up!

Shakespeare Motherfucker!

The stage is dark until we hear the soothing sounds of ICP’s meditation on creationism, “Miracles” blasting through the fetus shaped speakers that should be littering the stage. Fetuses can’t speak for themselves because they’re underwater so we gotta speak for them. Two green-tinted spotlights comes up on star crossed lovers JUGGALO and JUGGALETTE. JUGGALO is tatted out with gauges and is a world-renowned neurosurgeon to defy expectation and shit. He looks a little bit like hatchet man. His age isn’t important because love knowns no boundaries. He could be sixty for all we know. JUGGALO represent the juggalo inside all of us, which is fucking awesomeness. He don’t give a fuck what anyone says or does…except abortion because that’s worse than killing people. He’s down with the clown till he’s dead in the ground…unless the clown is for abortion in which case the clown will go into the ground first. JUGGALETTE is pregnant as fuck and is puffin’ away at a cig stick. Like I said, this shit gotta be real, she actually has to be pregnant, fifteen, and smoking. If you’re worried about getting in trouble for having an underage minor smoking in a theater, stop being a bitch and learn to follow the rules of this epic show. If someone ain’t arrested by the end of the show you’re doing something wrong. She wears full clown makeup and scrawled across her stomach it says “Messiah.” She is also the President of the United States! A fifteen year old pregnant president? If you want, play off on that whole “imaginary baby” thing from that one show. Whoop Whoop! Seriously, you can set this scene wherever the fuck you want. Hell, you can put it in a prison if you wanna go crazy, and that’s called freedom! JUGGALETTE speaks as a mash up between ICP “Miracles” and some Charlotte Church song plays puffing away the entire time.

JUGGALETTE
It’s a miracle.

JUGGALO
I know. I can’t believe you got pregnant. We only did it like fourteen times you know what I’m sayin?

JUGGALETTE
It be crazy how it happen. I don’t think it was yo’ dick that got me pregnant, it was divine inspiration from our lord and savior.

JUGGALO
It must be you weren’t takin’ your shit.

This play is not meant to condone pre-marital sex or contraception of any kind. If you listen to your heart you’ll know what’s right. Juggalos are about love from the heart, no love from the pants and that’s the motherfuckin’ truth. Where do babies come from? Think on that!

JUGGALO
I love you bitch.

Isn’t that sweet?

JUGGALO
I know I’m a world-famous neurosurgeon but I can’t possibly explain how this happen? It must have been a miracle or some shit like that. Even though I’m smart as hell and you’re the President of the United States I’m afraid we won’t be able to survive in an economy like this.

Not only is this shit about abortion, it also brings up a big point about the economy. What?! Shit is tight right now. Hell, even ICP gives a payment plan to their concerts now. Shit ain’t cheap and that makes having a baby an even bigger commitment than before. Abortion may save your wallet, but it won’t save your soul. Not all of us can go on welfare like my cousin Dave.

JUGGALETTE
It takes a village J. And this village gonna help raise our seed. We just gotta believe that Jesus is gonna take the wheel and drive this pick-up in the right direction.

Even Juggalos know who Carrie Underwood is. Bet you didn’t know that did ya bitch? We love American Idol. Simon kicks ass!

JUGGALO
Stright up homegirl.

JUGGALO’s cell phone rings. Only his phone is allowed to go off during the show. If someone’s motherfuckin’ phone goes off during the show the actors will have full permission to go into the audience and kick that person’s ass for being a stupid dick. Jesus loves you! Whoop Whoop! That’s what family’s about yo.

JUGGALO
What up? Hey Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. Bitch, ICP be on the line!

Now I know J and Shaggy 2 are too fuckin’ busy to be in this shit that’s why they on the phone. But if this becomes annual shit at the Gathering I bet J and Shaggy would jump on this shit like a fat one. They know what I’m sayin’ so they be the ones to get what this shit about. Why abortion is worse than killing someone. You don’t see juggalo abortions in the news do you? Walk softly and carry a big stick.

JUGGALO
You motherfuckers need brain surgery? Yeah, I’m comin’. Bitch, you be good for ten minute? I gotta go remove tumors from some brains but I’ll be back in time for dinner.

JUGGALETTE
Straight up J-star. I gotta ban gay marriage anyways because I’m the President and I can do whatever the fuck I want. Whoop Whoop!

Now this is a relationship based on equality, love, and respect. Recognize.

JUGGALO
I’ll be back soon bitch

They make out. Fuckin’ Poetry. JUGGALO leaves JUGGALETTE onstage alone.

Abortion King 47 busts onto the stage with a tight beat. His friends call him AK-47 for short. He is dressed like he lives in Portland and carries a giant abortion stick. He has come to claim the fetus of JUGGALETTE. If possible AK-47 should be played by Charlie Sheen because no one knows more about abortion than Charlie Sheen.

AK-47
It a Juggalo or a Juggalette?

JUGGALETTE
I dunno yet. I dunno how that work. All I know is its swimmin’ in my stomach and who knows how the fuck that work.

AK-47
Miracles girl miracles. You know another miracle you gotta try out? All the other kids is doing it. It’s called abortin’! Why don’t ya check it out? You seem down.

This is to exhibit how you don’t gotta give into peer pressue to be cool. Not all Juggalos do drugs, and there ain’t no pressure to do shit. AK-47 is more like government who force you to do stuff like pay taxes and drive the speed limit. Family don’t give a shit what you do and they love you for it. If Uncle Sam don’t love me for everything Uncle Sam can go be aborted, even though I don’t approve of abortion.

JUGGALETTE
But I don’t wanna abort my baby. He could grow up to cure world hunger.

AK-47
Why you wanna keep a baby when it could be deformed or damaging to your body? What will your parents think? How will you get a good job? Isn’t it your right to choose and not someone else’s? What if you die during childbirth? What if the government put your seed in foster care? What if your seed grows up to be Lisa Lampanelli or Ghandi? Is that what you want?

These are reasons a lot of women might get an abortion, but think about this…where would you be if you were aborted? Deep shit for a tight brain. FA-MI-LY!

JUGGALETTE
That is what I want.

AK-47
To bad bitch! I’m a democrat and it’s my right to choose for you!

AK-47 takes out his abortion stick, which for the record can be whatever the fuck you want. Although it’d be sweet if he had an actual chainsaw. JUGGALO runs back in carrying a lightsaber! Fuck yes!

JUGGALO
I’m back bitch. Don’t do it AK!

Aww shit!

JUGGALO
You don’t have to go around aborting everything. Join us and we can save babies all around the world!

AK-47
I’ll never join you!

JUGGALO
No one ever told you what happened to your abortion did they?

AK-47
I know enough. I got rid of it a long time ago.

JUGGALO
No, I am your abortion!

AK-47
That’s not true, that’s impossible!

JUGGALO
Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

AK-47
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bet you didn’t see that shit comin’? Star Wars and Juggalos? Space Clowns! AK-47 is so fuckin’ distraught that he turned the abortion stick on himself and performs his own abortion. I have no idea how the fuck to pull that off but you theater people are smart about shit like that. You made Peter Pan fly, so you can abort a human being onstage because it’s not an actual abortion, it imagination

JUGGALO
You all right bitch?

JUGGALETTE
Straight up. I love you J.

JUGGALO
I love you bitch.

They keep making out and it’s fuckin’ hot. FAYGHOST comes front and center to close this shit out.

FAYGHOST
And they all lived happily ever after! The moral of the fuckin’ story is you don’t kill no one unless they already alive. I mean for all you know that baby gonna discover time travel or cure cancer or some shit. They got a clean slate and deserve that chance to fuck their life up. Once they fuck it up and you realize they’re a phony deadbeat that don’t do shit, then you can kill them! And that’s the motherfuckin’ truth! Whoop Whoop!

FAYGHOST opens himself up and pours faygo all over the audience. Drop to the beat to ICP “If I was a serial killer” as the fetus speakers begin to dance and the ferris wheel continues to spin. Party until 5:00 in the morning then get some waffle fries bitch cause this shit is done. Whoop Whoop!

Funemployed's Sunday Funday Fundraiser

The absolute truth of it is this: I decided to go to Funemployed's party at Friar Tuck's because I knew I wanted to get out of the house.

Getting out is kind of difficult these days, being a new dad and all.  A run to Target is like teleporting to a new beautiful world of air conditioning and Icees.  Coming to work is a lovely respite to reading the first page of Goodnight Moon for the 64th time.  So, a Sunday afternoon/evening at Friar Tuck's with a keg of beer and a few pals sounded like a voyage on the high seas to Sri Lanka.  I was, indubitably, pumped.

Now, I know of Funemployed through Ted Evans, who is a nice and funny and handsome man.  If you don't know about Funemployed, let me explain it this way.  YouTube was created in 2005 by three nerds who were having trouble sharing their videos of Dungeons & Dragons sessions or whatever.  This is the absolute first video ever posted to YouTube, "Me at the Zoo."

Yep...these 19 seconds are a gateway to the new world we exist in now.  You can find oodles of entertainment on YouTube, DailyMotion, Vimeo, and plenty of others.  You can get to these on your computers, tablets, phones, game consoles, etc.  We live in a future of not worrying about TV and cutting the cable cord because we now can easily find what we want, when we want it.  Well, you need to start wanting THIS:

Funemployed is a smart, funny web series written by and starring Ted Evans, Kate Carson-Groner, Michael Lippert, Dan Hale, and Alex Harris.  This is a hilarious, well-shot, well-directed, well-edited programme.  Don't hesitate, subscribe or die.

Back to the party...now admittedly, I was the old guy at this shindig.  But, from my perch at the bar, I was able to see an inordinate amount of gorgeous people doing things single people do.  But, what I got out of it mostly was a sense of being on a tipping point of something big.  This is a group of folks who obviously have people excited about what they do.  I mean, I am and I'm nearly a fossil to most of these guys.  I also must say...ladies, not all of you can have bad eyes.  What the hell is going on with accessory glasses?  This is a thing now...glasses that just sit on your face, not doing anything important.  Oh well, it's pretty cute I suppose.  I wore leather pants just after college for almost 6 months, so I get it brahs. 

I also called a QR Code a QI Code and was corrected by the prettiest girl there.  It made me happy to be alive.

The crew have made something special, and you should check out the episodes and extras they have on their site.  Wish them luck, buy a DVD, do something.  Retweet this shit, tumblr it, post it on a BBS, I don't care.  Most importantly, be aware that the 3rd Season of Funemployed is coming soon.  This is the new trailer.  Hold on to your comedy pants!

I suggest keeping track of Funemployed.  They're right on the edge, they use real Chicago actors and fantastic Chicago locations, and have a blast to boot.  One suggestion to the guys...tweet to your followers when you are heading out for a night on the town.  Somebody'll show up...like maybe an old dad looking to get out of the house.

Funemployed Sunday Funday Fundraiser: A- (didn't win Barbershop & Barbershop 2 in the raffle...sad face)

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Open Letter to Chicago Muse

Dear Dead Chicago Muse Theatre,

Let us be the first to say that we had never heard of you. So your untimely death meant absolutely nothing.

We’re pretty sure you were at the Theater Building, serving overpriced Miller Lites to people who thought they were seeing good shows.

Now, from what we understand, you had half a million dollars left in assets that you, in turn, gave to the RICHEST THEATER IN CHICAGO, upon your dissolution.

You gave 500k to Chicago Shakespeare Theatre. To do musicals. Original musicals. Do you know what that means? You paid Barbara Gaines salary for 2 years.

Now, please don’t get us wrong. We love Chicago Shakes. They pay actors better than anywhere else, and they employ more actors than anywhere else. That is a community based company that we can all be proud of, regardless what we think of the work.

HOWEVER...there are numerous small theater organizations in Chicago that are living month-to-month, unsure of their future, who do specialize in original musicals. Do you know that you could have given 50 grand to 10 of them? Do you even realize what that kind of donation would have done for the storefront community?

Think of it this way: You have a few buddies in town that have a great idea for a food truck business in Chicago. They have a great business plan. They make delicious tacos and cupcakes and kebabs and ribs tips. But instead of taking your $500,000 to help them get started, you give it all to Guy Fieri to make more butter flavored salsa for TGI Fridays.

And then you get out of the food business altogether and start working at Pfizer and unfriend your food truck pals on Facebook. And they have to go back to their jobs at Guy Fieri’s new chain “ED HARDY SHIRTS AND BURGERS.”

And if that is not enough. If that isn’t enough of an insult to everyone. If the whole city isn’t furiously angry at you yet. You decide to send out a press release to everyone saying what a “great thing” you just did for everyone. Now, we aren’t ones to overstep our boundaries or name call people who are just trying to do a great thing, but you guys... You guys are a bunch of fuckheads. Just like Guy Fieri.

So, while everyone is celebrating a 5-4 SCOTUS victory today by making sweet new Obama memes and fighting with their Republican fathers about what this means for America, let’s be sure to remember what giant assholes you guys were in your demise. Thanks for nothing.

So what can WE do? Well, here is our plan. As a community, we are going to write the most insane original musical that has ever been written. It will be awful and offensive and probably racist. And we are going to pool our money together and rent out Chicago Shakespeare Theater for one night and then we are going to perform it. And at the end, when Mitt Romney kills all the blacks and gays in a celebration of Lucifer himself, we will all look at the audience and say “Thank you for making this possible, Chicago Muse Theatre!” and then we will call each of you out by name and put your headshots that have had the mouths cut out around our dicks or vaginas and pretend that we are making sweet mouth love to your black and white heads.

And finally, we will have proven that we are the clear victors in this fight. Because nothing says victory more than blasting love juice all over someone’s graven image. Just ask Jehovah!

There is nothing else to say, except I hope whatever stupid original musical you are planning on taking to New York, where “important theatre” happens dies the death of that Paul Simon Caveman thing, and that you are stabbed outside the HotTix booth.

Love and rockets,

Eric Roach and Anderson Lawfer