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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Exclusive Interview with TOM HICKEY (interview)


This past year I have really been focusing on auditioning at different theater companies to get my name out there and really shine. Two of the great roles I auditioned for were STOLEN from under me by a catfish named Tom Hickey. Two roles I really wanted. I recently sat down with him to ask him how his "career" is going.


Andy
Good morning, Tom.


Tom
Morning, Anderson.


Andy
How are you today? I know you have been so busy lately!


Tom
Yes, I'm referring to this summer as the "Busy Summer" in all of my internal memos. Things have been very busy.


Andy
That's pretty cute. I'm busy too, you know.


Tom
What are you up to?


Andy
Well, just an example: I watched a movie last night.


Tom
I see. While you were watching this movie did someone take your gallbladder out?


Andy
Nope. Do you think I'm an idiot? You need your gall bladder.


Tom
Ha ha! That's a common misconception! Frankly, Andy: unless you're getting your gallbladder removed you are not down with what's on the streets. With the kids.


Andy
Hmmm. I'm not sure I believe you. Did you have yours out or something?


Tom
Yes. And that was a surprise. The "Busy Summer" really kicked into high gear when I had to go in to the hospital and have my gallbladder out.


Andy
I thought getting it out was like a weird sex thing.


Tom
"getting it out" is a weird sex thing but not getting it out - it has to do with the punctuation.


Andy
I see. So what projects are you working on right now, Tom?


Tom
Well, I'm in the last couple weeks of understudying at Steppenwolf for "A Parallelogram" and I'm also rehearsing "Thieves Like Us" for the House.


Andy
Steppenwolf, eh? What's it like working at Steppenwolf? I mean, as an understudy because you are probably too stupid to ever go onstage.


Tom
Steppenwolf is very cool. Most people there don't do anything but make theatre. It's their job. So they don't act weird and tense like those of us who, like, have non-theatre jobs. They are very nice and it's a cool play.
You also get to occasionally see some borderline famous people which can be interesting.


Andy
Have you met anyone famous like Lieutenant Dan?
Or Being John Malkovich?


Tom
Oh man, I only wish I could run into Sinise, Malkovich or my man Gary Cole. The Trinity, we call them. But Tom Irwin, who I'm understudying has done a lot of television. Someone I know saw the show and they told me "I didn't know you were understudying Claire Danes's dad from 'My So Called Life!'"
Which made me feel obscure AND old.


Andy
I don't know who Tom Irwin is, but you are old. I've met some famous people before too.


Tom
Didn't you once help Winston Churchill move a couch?

Andy
Oh you are so fucking hilarious.
How is the House Theater?


Tom
This is the second time I've worked with them. They're cool. This show has a lot of signature House-type stuff in it that I usually don't do. Like "pretend that you're in a car but there's really no car" and "pretend that this part of the stage is a bank and now IT'S NOT A BANK." There's a lot of stuff in "Thieves" that would be tough to do well for anyone other than the House.


Andy
Is there ribbon dancing? The show is probably going to be terrible. Have you met Nathan Allen, at least?


Tom
Nate Allen is a good man. I once accidentally dropped him on the floor and made Matt Hawkins mad at me.


Andy
Oh man. That sounds classic! So Tom. When you look back on your career as an actor, after you have died from not having a gall bladder, what do you want people to really remember about you?


Tom
That's probably a good question to ask myself considering my vision is growing dim and I feel death's bony fingers caressing my heart. Hmmm...


Andy
What about how you think you are better than everyone else?


Tom
Oh, that's old news.
I'm not sure I have an answer to your question but I DO think that my gravestone will say "He had lousy credit."


Andy
Thanks for sitting down with me, Tom. Have a great and fruitful career!


Tom
Thanks, Anderson!

Andy
Go to hell, Tom.

6 comments:

  1. this is by far the most self-serving, narcissictic piece of shit interview i have ever read.

    i love it - especially the "what a dick" label.

    mark my words, tom hickey will never eat lunch in this town again...

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  2. i'm gonna have my gallbladder out now...since it's all the rage.

    but first, i'm gonna ask them to carve Tom Hickey's face in it and give it back to me in a little jar.

    since Tom Hickey is all the rage...

    ReplyDelete
  3. That ol' grizzly bear/catfish...

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  4. Nic: I won't eat lunch again because I don't have a gallbladder. That's the first thing they tell you: no more lunch.

    ReplyDelete
  5. oh, snap. tom, i am so sorry. i didnt mean to make light of your lunch "situation" - i know how much the midday meal means/meant to you... say hello to your mother for me, ok?

    ReplyDelete
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