TOP 5 SHITTY COMIC BOOK DEVICES!!! (comic meditation by Anthony Tournis)

Ugh. I hate talking about things that piss me off, especially when it is associated with something that I like. Not all comics are good, some are plain shitty (Archie). Now a good comic can take a bad turn with a ridiculous plot twist, but some will always suck (Archie). Now I have read some lame shit, however, there are five devices in the comic book world that drive me up a fucking wall. These lame ass devices are completely stupid and will force me to choke someone (this also happens when I read Archie…man that comic sucks). Enough with the Archie bashing, (I could seriously go on forever) here are the Top 5 Shitty Comic book Devices:

5. Introducing characters by slipping their full name into dialogue!

When have you ever used your friends full name upon greeting them? Have you ever done that? No. You haven’t because you aren’t dumb. I understand you need to introduce characters, but you sound like an idiot when two characters who have known each other for years call each other by their full names. Sloppy writing. Give us some credit. I’m sure the reader can figure out it’s Jean Grey. I’m not saying the character cannot introduce themselves. I’m saying that it’s ridiculous when (for example) The X-Men are sitting around the kitchen (just fucking go with it). Jean walks into the room and Professor X says, “Nice of you to join us, Jean Grey.” Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. We don’t need to know anyone’s last name. Work it in later (kind of like my first date).

4. Shadows!!!!!

I’m no artist, but when it’s dark outside…THROW SOME FUCKING SHADOWS ON PEOPLE!!!! How tough is it to shadow someone’s face a little? The ground? Under objects? Better yet, why don’t you just leave everything black and white and let me color it in for you. I know I could do a better job. I’m not talking about shading…shadows!!!! Example:

What’s wrong? NOTHING CASTS A SHADOW!!!! Are they ghosts? What the hell? I know you know what shadow is because you have them fighting in silhouette! Objects cast shadows. It’s a rule.
 
3. Manga Art!

Knock it the fuck off. You suck.

2. Abracadabra! Magic is lame!!!

Yes, I said it. Magic is lame as hell, and it’s an easy cop out. “Oh no! The dragon is attacking!”, “Well I’ll just use my Anti-Dragon spell and *poof* it’s gone!” Magic is lame for that reason alone. Anything can happen with magic because it has no basis in reality (yes comics aren’t real…there’s a difference). With magic anything is possible, which means there is no danger. Where is the suspense if there is a quick spell that could fix anything? “Well sometimes it doesn’t work!” someone might say. To that I retort, “Fuck off! How many times can you use the excuse of ‘My magic is busted’ and still think I care?” I will admit I do like Doctor Strange, BUT in really small doses. I guess in small doses magical characters could work, but if you base a whole comic on magic characters I will hunt you down and shove the Eye of Agamotto up your pee hole.

1. Space…the lame frontier!

How come comic books of the eighties spent so much goddamn time in space? It’s ridiculous. I swear there was a time in comics when anything new was either found in space or given by an alien species. Danger Room, Hover chair, and dumb ass Brainiac are a few examples of stupid space shit. Invent your own shit! On Earth! Just like magic, anything is possible in space. Plus, I don’t care about the alien races that you find. I just know that you are either going to kill them off to tug at my heartstrings, or they are going to give you some new technology that will give you an easy out when you get in a jam. That is the reason why I stopped reading the Fantastic Four. Too much space shit is lame, and I don’t care! Example: Spiderman’s black costume. In the Secret War Spiderman walks into the room with a black costume on and everyone asks “Where did you get that?” Spiderman replies, “Oh there is a machine that made it for me.” LAME!!! Lame and too easy. That conversation could have been about a can of Mountain Dew. “Hey, Mountain Dew? Where did you get that?”, “Oh, there’s a machine down the hall.” Too damn easy!