Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Getting Locked Out In Your Underpants

What Eric Roach might look like in his underpants (artist's rendition)

So, I got locked out of my house in my boxers yesterday.  I was home from work, doing my daily chores, and it was just a beautiful day in Chicago.  One of those days that reminds you why you live in this town.  I had all the windows open, and I was taking the trash down to the dumpster.  Boxers, zombie t-shirt, flip flops.  That's it.  Well, the wind caught the door and slammed it shut when I went out to the porch.  LOCKED!  I started to panic a touch.  Ok, the bathroom window...maybe I could jimmy that open.  No luck.  I looked down and found a bobby pin.  Now, if you don't know, I'm an avid player of Fallout 3, and in that game you pick locks with bobby pins.  I had gotten really good at it during the course of the game.  Well, it turns out that picking a lock with a bobby pin is harder in real life than it is in a video game.  Have I mentioned that I am 35 years old?

So, there I was, sweating in my underpants, wondering how my life could have gotten me here.  I realized that my only way out was to call my fantastic wife at work and see if she could help her poor, stupid, and mostly naked husband.  I knew that there was a kid in the apartment above, he runs around the place like Rex Grossman wondering what empty spot on the field to toss the ball into.  I made my way up a flight and knocked on the door.  This young and impossibly handsome and well built black man opened the door.  We made love.

Nah, but he did let me use his HTC to call my wife.  His name's Carey and he's got a cute little black boy named Julian.  All three of us were in our underpants on his back stoop waiting for my wife to call me back.  I find out that not only is he a father and a veteran of two overseas tours of duty in South America and Iraq, he is also going to Northwestern for a law degree.  I failed to tell him that I spent 5 years in school blowing bong hits and squeaking my way to a BA in Pretending.  I didn't want to make him feel bad since he was helping me out.

Finally my wife called and told me she had gotten a hold of our good friend Tim, who has a set of our keys because we all belong to the same swinger group.  Took him 5 minutes to walk up to my place and let me in.  All in all, my adventure in being partially clothed outside lasted around half an hour.

Thanks to black soldier Carey, my lovely wife, and Tim and his dog Crystal for doing their best.

No thanks to Fallout 3.  Way to teach me NOTHING, video games.

Getting Locked Out In Your Underpants: C-

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer


  1. NOW you know what it feels like! At least you weren't drunk and had the stench of vomit about you. Although. Maybe you did.

  2. Sleptwalked out of my girlfriend's apt in a pair of green bay packer boxers. Door locked behind me- I woke up just in time to hear the click. Banged forever on the door- she never stirred. Banged so hard someone called the cops, who climbed up three flights of stairs to eventually tell me there was nothing they could do for some faggoty Packer fan (I assume that's what they were thinking as they left me there to sleep on the doormat.)

  3. If you need your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (even if they're dating somebody else now) you must watch this video
    right away...

    (VIDEO) Get your ex back with TEXT messages?