Well, maybe you know this, and maybe I don't care: I am a member of the Factory Theater ensemble. And, our latest show "Hey! Dancin'!" just got a slew of good reviews.
But, in my opinion, which is very important, every single member of the cast contributes to the show in exciting and/or sexual ways. I am going to review them, as both actors and people, right here. So put on your rainbow hats and your "I-get-a-pony-for-Christmas!" smiles...it's the most positive review ever.
Anthony Tournis - Tony plays the host, Randy Massingill. Resplendent in a full Miami Vice white suit and boat shoes, he rides the line of disgusting and hysterical. No matter what, when you see him, you may want to throw up and pee.
Melissa Nedell - Playing the young and nerdy Halle, Melissa projects so much sweetness that you could stir her into your coffee and then pour it over a strudel and get cavities in your head. And she's game for anything...try convincing Laurie Metcalf to take the wrong end of a dry-humping scene. No seriously, try it...I hear she's a real bitch.
Catherine Dughi - Cat plays the wanna-be tramp Trisha. Best line: "I don't think Randy's gonna get all up in this, I know it." It may not read funny, but you have to see her midsection deliver this line. Because that's where you'll be looking, pervert.
Jacob A. Ware - This guy is actually his character Kenny "Double K" Kapowski in real life. It's weird to see him in hipster clothes once he gets off stage, where he looks like William Zabka dressed him. Jacob's so good in this part, and that's not just because he looks like Dennis Weaver circa-McCloud. Bring that stache back, Ware.
Aileen May - Miss May is sweet as punch off-stage, which is why it's so great that she's a fucking demon in this play. I'm scared of her, mostly with the way she delivers the line "Wow...you really just destroyed me right there." It makes things crawl up and throws me into a wormhole leading directly to 3rd grade.
Anderson Lawfer - My friend, co-writer, and partner in crime. We robbed a Qwik Trip in Barrington last weekend. "Not that I need any sprinkles." What a chubby, cute dork you are, Pete!
Dominique Johnson - Princess. The little Prince squeals and faints that she does...dear lord, it's theater MAGIC!
Esteban Andres Cruz - This is the play that Esteban proves he's not just a stereotype. Oh wait, no, it's SO not that play. He actually is a NEW stereotype, and it's better than all the old ones. Say bye to "Black people love fried chicken" everybody!
Noah Simon - A fucking master class in jokes. Noah's so good in this that you forget about his insane tendency to try and "ad lib" things that don't exist in 1986. Like Subway sandwich shops.
Sara Sevigny - A showcase for her talents. Fave bit: screaming obscenities when there's no need to. This bit lasts all show long. "Eat it and die." "Why didn't I stay in porn?" "Your upper lip is sweating." So gross, and also so gro-reat!
Jill Oliver - Best smile in the show. Also, number 3 best smile in the whole world. "Touch me where babies come from." Weird, Jill. She plays softball, too.
Casey Pilkenton - Best line: "I'm so nervous I just puked backstage." "NO!" "Vomited." See the show, then you'll understand why the audience starts throwing chairs.
Laura Korn - Spouting gibberish as an ad lib? Usually that won't work, but here...well, it literally kills people. We had a guy die at previews...full disclosure: he was pretty old.
Frank R. Sjodin - Actually doing the Superbowl Shuffle while saying "Superbowl Shuffle." - shit, Frank, the goddamned 85 Bears couldn't do that.
Seth Remington - "Stupid awesome flashlight!" Stupid and awesome.
You won't understand any of this review until you go see "Hey! Dancin'!" The show itself...another masterwork by the Factory. Now give us some money, we gotta pay rent.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer