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Thursday, March 18, 2010

NASCAR…SPORTS FOR REAL MEN! (SPORTS REVIEW BY ANTHONY TOURNIS)


That is right, America! This A-GASM is going to pin you to the hood and give it to you fast! Time to get your racing gear and head to the track of awesome, ‘cause we are talking about the sport of kings! Nothing says I’M AN AMERICAN (other than saying “I’m an American”) than NASCAR. Only the diehard fans (Die Hard is awesome) know this, but NASCAR is an acronym(that is when the word means more than it says (like when a girl says ‘no’)) for National Americanization for Speedy Cars And Rednecks. NASCAR was invented back in the day by rednecks (the only REAL Americans) who were high on meth. These daring daredevils would race each other to see who could get home and have relations(sex(yeah!)) with their sister first. However, in professional NASCAR the sister banging is not televised(But it should be!(Way to ruin my night, Tipper Gore( Tipper Whore!(satire)))) There are so many things that make NASCAR awesome.

One…NASCAR is fast. Real fast. Americans like speed (the rate of velocity AND the movie(Sandra and Keanu(why didn’t they have a baby?(she’s a prude)))). I mean we are talking about the second fastest sport IN THE WORLD OF AUTO RACING!!!! That is fast. NASCAR is so fast that they don’t even use kilometers to measure it (because the metric system is for retards and college boys(college is dumb(except for Tennessee( GO VOLS!!)))). Yeah, Formula one is faster(should be called Formula DUMB), but I’m not a Formula One fan because I’m not European (America-lite) and I like girls (boobs and butts).

Another great thing about NASCAR is that it’s a sport where you don’t have to do anything but turn left! How cool is that? ICE COLD(Hey Ya!(best rap song EVER!!!))! In America (eat it, Mexico!) we like our sports simple, almost too simple sometimes. Nothing more simple than left turns!

What else is great about NASCAR? You don’t have to wear a shirt at the race track! No shirt, no shoes…NO PROBLEM! It’s the greatest feeling in the world when you are watching a race and don’t have to worry about your shirt or shoes(unless you step on glass(or get stung by a bee(or you step on a glass jar full of bees that shatters and you get cut by the glass and stung by the bees at the same time (ouch)))).

And finally, I love the women of NASCAR the most. Nothing is hotter than an overly sunburned, toothless chick, in a tank top and cut offs , swilling Miller Lite with a plug of Redman in her cheek. These ladies might not be as refined as regular ladies, but it takes a special kind of woman to carry back to my car after I pass out from drinking 190 proof moonshine in 92 degrees for the past 6 hours. That is what a woman is for! Plus, any of those women will let you get to third base(not talking about baseball(mouth sex(high five!))) with them if you have a number painted on the hood of your car(I painted a number on the hood of my car).

I hope this A-GASM has revved you up, and shown you how kick ass NASCAR is. Until next time, America!

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