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Thursday, March 11, 2010

Board Games That Suck (GAME REVIEW BY ANTHONY TOURNIS)

Remember growing up, America? Remember games? Remember board games? Remember growing up with board games? That is what this A-GASM is about. The board games you grew up with and how horrible they are. It might make you weep (the gay way of crying) but the truth must be told (this A_GASM is dripping with truth). Here they are, the top five crappy board games that sucked growing up! First of all, all board games are dumb. Playing on a board is just plain stupid and it kills trees(that is bad for the environment (I’m green( I only say that so I can touch hippie girls boobies ( their boobies always feel like sacks of dirt and twigs)))). In board games there are no buttons to push, only pieces to move(just play with a doll instead, girlie). Think back, who played board games? A bunch of dumb shits(technical term for mentally challenged pieces of poo), and your grandparents. You want to play with your grandparents? Old people only like young people for sexual reasons (take that Uncle Dave(I can never eat another Dairy Queen Blizzard without feeling woozy and uncomfortable(Dairy Queen: Your one stop shop for dairy products and young tail)))! That, however, is another posting. Here we go!



5. Operation – I was six. Six year olds aren’t known for their steady hands. I always made that stupid buzzer go off. I can’t help it…I was six! I don’t need to be reminded every time I fail (that is what parents are for). Also, who gets a funny bone removed? A Charley Horse? A brain freeze? Way to be medically correct, jerks! Plus, I hate doctors (even pretend ones, Uncle Dave) so why would I want to be one?



4. Candy Land – Question: Why is there a childhood obesity problem? Answer: Candy Land! Thanks for the diabetes, Milton Bradley! This game was invented by a woman while recovering from polio (so you KNOW it’s healthy). I’ll bet you the deed to Gumdrop Mountain that she did this just to make everyone as sick as she was. Shame on you, Eleanor Abbott (if that is your real name(it is)).



3. Tickle Monkey – I’m not sure this was a real game, but I used to play it with my Uncle Dave. It sucks, the rules make no sense, and I end up crying at the end. Looking back it wasn’t really a board game, it was just an empty Stroh’s can that you had to hide from the Tickle Monkey. You could only hide the can on your person, and the Tickle Monkey was easily distracted by your man banana. The game is over when the Tickle Monkey finds the can(Uncle Dave sure was thorough in his search).



2. Uno – This horrible game is just a way to get kids to learn Spanish. Up yours Mexico! I’m on to you. I never played it. I took one look at the name and said “Sorry, Pablo! English is king here in America(we don’t have kings in America(Kings are lame(except for King Kong Bundy(sigh))))!!!



1. Clue – Who’s idea was it to make a board game out of a movie? Dumb idea! Games that make you think are stupid (stupid is as stupid does (Forrest Gump(now THAT is a movie that needs a board game!))). I don’t know who killed the guy. I’m not a cop. I think that if these people were smart the y would call the POLICE (f*@& tha police( I like Ice-T(the rapper and the drink (Lipton’s(yum))))). I would always win the game in one turn. “My turn. I rolled a four, and I move to the phone to call the cops. WINNER!!!”



There you have it. These games are pretty awful. Stupid and awful like hippies(except for hippie girls(because they have boobs)). Until next time, America. I hope this A-GASM didn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth.
-Anthony Tournis

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