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Thursday, March 25, 2010

Balls OUT! Spring TRAINING!!! Spring FEVER!!! (SPORTS REVIEW BY ANTHONY TOURNIS)


What’s up, America? This A-GASM is going to STRIKE you across the face with some balls…some BASEBALLS!!! It’s spring! You know what that means? Baseball! Yep, the granddaddy of all sports (except the sports that came before baseball(those don’t really count because they came from Europe(Europe sucks(the BAND Europe doesn’t suck, just the country of Europe)))) is starting soon! Before the baseball season get underway (starts) we have to deal with Spring Training, which is the most exciting time for a baseball fan(other than the baseball season ACTUALLY starting(okay, it is the second most exciting time in the baseball season(well, other than the play offs and stuff(It’s a fun time for baseball fans)))). I know you are asking yourself, “How does Spring Training work” (I’m not going to answer because you were asking yourself and not me(I’ll answer when you ask me personally(I’ll wait(beautiful weather we are having(nice pants…were they on sale?(I love acid washed jeans(No, Liberace was married(yeah, I thought that to(Richard Chamberlain?(really?(you sure?(I’ll have to look that one up(no I have an iPhone, I can look it up right now(just wait a second(yeah it takes a awhile sometimes(here we go(WOW!(I had no idea(what was that you asked?(are you asking me how Spring Training works?(well…let me explain)))))))))))))))))))? Spring Training has been an institution in baseball since the 1700’s. Spring training showcases the superstars from last year mixed in with the no name and useless talent that will be back in the minors(or Columbia, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, or Chad) by morning. It’s a way for teams to play against each other without it meaning anything, and it’s also a chance for us to watch good sports instead of all the shitty sports we have been watching since football ended(I’m looking at you, Basketball(Basketball is for commies(they know why))). There is nothing really different between Spring Training and the regular season other than wins and losses don’t count, and takes place in the desert (Arabs) or Florida (Jews). Spring Training is great to get back into the swing of things(pun(swing bats, not drugs!(except for athletes))), but it does have some faults. It’s kind of useless(like the Cleveland Indians), games are high scoring(like playing against the Cleveland Indians), and players only last for a couple of innings (like the players of the Cleveland Indians(I mean the Indians were good when they had Wesley Snipes and Tom Berenger(HEARTTHROB!), but then they traded Snipes for Omar Epps(that black guy) and Corbin Bernsen retired…they just SUCKED!)). Another fault is that the players haven’t gotten back in to the full swing (not a pun I just can’t think of any other words(shut up)) of their drug regimen. This make Spring Training tricky. All the juicers have to get new drug dealers, or reintroduce themselves to former dealers(awkward), it’s just a hassle. Plus, the players might start taking new drugs and that could throw off their game(but they still go out and play(hard working(AMERICA!)))Even with those small faults, I can’t help but love Spring Training. Spring Training means that summer is right around the corner, and that can only mean one thing: getting girls drunk and taking boob pics(art) while they are passed out. Until next time, AMERICA!

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