I know during this month or so, people love to follow what Jesus said. His teachings have finally become important to everyone in the computerized world, and even the other worlds too. One thing that Jesus has always been adamant about, is not eating land meat on Fridays. This includes ALL landmeat. But Jesus forgot to talk about fish, and that’s where I come in. Fish is what vegetarians and women eat when they want to lose weight, but still have a carnal instinct and need to rip flesh apart with their teeth. I had never eaten fish (because I’m not a lady) until Friday, 25 years ago. Catholics can’t get enough of this particular type of seameat, because they are always looking for excuses to not follow our Lord’s requests, and are generally much sassier and clothes-minded then Episcopals who are really the best religion there is. I can’t stand clothes-minded people. They won’t accept gay marriage. But you didn’t pay to hear me talk about that junk. You just wanna talk about FISH SANDWICHES!!!!!! Well, I went out and tried all the fast food fish sandwiches there were at fast food places and I’m here to rate them for you!
Let’s start with the classic: MCDONALD’S FILET-O-FISH The Van Morrison of fish sandwiches. It goes down smooth and always smells like pickles. Now, the service at McDonald’s is impeccable. The people who work there wipe off tables and there’s always a newspaper to read and some screaming kids to make you feel like you are back at your Grandma’s house for Sunday dinner with the family and all she has the where withal to make is some ridiculous fried fish sandwich even though you brought your new pornstar girlfriend home for the first time, and the last thing you want is to make out with her with fish breath. But you shouldn’t ever make out with your Grandma, fish breath or not. The sandwich was what I expected it to be. It tasted like McDonald’s. Just like the quarter pounder, the chicken sandwich and the milkshake. DELICIOUS. I give this 3 out of 5 fish sandwiches. 3/5 BURGER KING CILANTRO LIME FISH SANDWICH Listen Burger King, I don’t need to know all your ingredients, and also, you are just telling me SOME of the ingredients. I’d like to see the Hydroxypropyl Methelcellulose Cilantro Fish Sandwich. This is probably the best fish sandwich there is. The King makes it himself, and if you tell him you want it grilled instead of fried, they tell you they can’t do that but they are very polite. This is a big seameaty piece of Alaskan Pollock that even Jesus would like! 5/5 Fish Sandwiches.
LONG JOHN SILVERS ULTIMATE FISH SANDWICH This is the local Pirate’s hang out place. Don’t go there for the burgers, but DO go there for there little fried crumbs. This place is decorated like a boat, so if you get seasick, don’t go there. This place is great during Lent, because everything on the menu pretty much is fish, or lobster. Jesus didn’t say anything specifically about lobsters, but I think they are ok. They do not have cloved hooves or talons, so the Jews can eat this too. Anyway, this should be better than it was, Especially if you have a bunch of salty seamen in all day singing sea shantys and smuggling gold. They are going to want a better sandwich. 2/5 Fish Sandwiches
DOMINOES PIZZA You can just get pizza without meat. 5/5 Fish Sandwiches.
WENDY’S PREMIUM FISH SANDWICH Now I like anything from Wendy’s but my wife hates it, so we didn’t go. But I bet it was really good. I’m looking at a picture of it on the website and it looks like chicken, and that’s what I want my fish to look like. Because the are both white. Also, at Wendy’s they have the ketchup pumps if you eat in. 4/5 Fish Sandwiches
WHITE CASTLE FISH WITH CHEESE It takes a lot of nerve to put the word “with” in the title of your biggest selling item. So I was excited and humbled to try this majestic piece of little fish. It was delicious. Incredibly delicious, and wet. Like it just came from the sea and dove into the fryer and then into the sea again and then onto my plate. Wow. I don’t know where they find fish that taste like that, BUT IT SURE ISN’T CHILE! Great value for one of these, but the price starts adding up when you have to eat nine of something, and that’s true with any place. I loved this sandwich like a sister. 6/5 Fish Sandwiches.
I hope this guide is helpful to anyone who takes the word of our Lord seriously. Also, I’ve been working on where to start new paragraphs, so hopefully this review helped me too!