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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Greatest Sports Movie of All Time!!! (Sports Review by Anthony Tournis)

Alright, America. This A-GASM is going to set you straight (straight as a direction not a sexual preference (it’s okay to be gay (just keep your a-hole away from my b-alls) about the greatest sports movie ever…EVER! “What is it?” you say? Is it Rudy? Nope (screw that whiny little d-bag (“Ehhhh…I want to play football because of Irish people and saints and a dumb ass school! (Shut it, hobbit-boy!) The Natural? Guess again (it should have been called the NAP-tural (because it makes me want to sleep (it’s a simile)))! The Blind Side? PLEASE (there was an outtake where the big, fat, dumb guy tries to tackle Sandra Bullock’s teeth (it made him cry because he couldn’t do it (then her teeth gave him a pep talk and made him a sandwich (later he falls in love with her teeth and makes love to them on a football field because he’s dumb and in love (he might be big and dumb but he sure knows how to bang her teeth)))))! Okay, you are stupid at guessing. Everyone knows (except for you) what the greatest sports movie of all time is THE PROGRAM!!!

“The Program” tells it like it like it really is. It is the story of the struggles of everyday college football players (college is for retards unless you are an athlete (except for tennis players (tennis players don’t count unless you are a girl))) dealing with the pressures of being fucking awesome! The story takes place as the ESU Timberwolves finish their previous season, and they blow (why? (DRAMA)). Their quarterback is named Joe Kane (Biblical) and he is played like a God by Craig Sheffer (“Bloodknot”, “Dracula II: Ascension”) Kane is awesome because he is good, but he like to drink like his Dad does (that shit is called conflict) and he falls in love with a tennis player who is really damn hot named Camille. Kristy Swanson (“Forbidden Secrets”, “Red Water”) is the boner raising Camille and she has a secret…her DAD is Kane’s coach (AW SHIT!!!). At the same time, Omar Epps (the other black guy) playing freshman running back Darnell Jefferson, shows up to ESU but he has two problems: he is dumb and Ray Griffen (the guy looks like Carlton from “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” (but isn’t the guy who plays Carlton from “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”)) is the STARTING running back(TENSION!). What is he to do? Um…he only get’s Halle Berry (“B*A*P*S”, “Perfect Stranger”) to teach him how to be smart AND he is going to bang her because she is Ray Griffen’s girlfriend (WHA?!??!?!?!?!?!)! In the mean time Coach Sam Winters, who is portrayed really awesomely by James Khan (“Blood Crime”, “Santa’s Slay”), is worried about one of his players. It seems that Steve Lattimer (the muscle bound Andrew Bryniarski (“Dracula’s Guest”, “The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special”) is taking performance enhancing drugs. Lattimer is the most tragic character in the movie because he get blamed for date rape (she was asking for it) and he has to shove a hose in his wiener to fool the drug tests (that is commitment)! At the end, the coach is disappointed in him because he knows that Lattimer is taking the drugs, but he gets away with it so no harm is done. Anyway, all these players come together and play football but Kane has a drinking problem and get into a fight after he loses a game so he goes to rehab (this scene is the only time Kane quits ( his Dad is still a drunk so it’s alright)). The team struggles without Kane but he comes back and they win. Oh, and a trash talking guy breaks his legs and cries like a girl (pussy) and Omar Epps and Carlton become friends even though Epps is poking Carlton’s girl. Speaking of banging chicks, the coach hates that Kane is probing his daughter but they would make really strong babies so I guess it’s okay in the end. The shitty part of this movie is that there was scene where Kane and his team mates laid down in the middle of traffic and cars whizzed by to prove how awesome they were (THEIR BALLS ARE MADE FROM SEVERAL OTHER BALLS FUSED TOGETHER WITH BADASSSSSSS!)! This scene was removed and now I can’t even find it on YouTube. Just because a whole bunch of kids were hurt and killed doesn’t mean they can take away art! Those uptight pussies really burn my ass!

There you go, America. The Program is the most Bad Ass greatest sports movie of all time! If you don’t like it then you are dumb. Pure and simple. Rudy couldn’t hold Kane’s jock strap (although Rudy would probably enjoy it), The natural would NATURALLY run from Omar Epps and Carlton (metaphor), and Sandra Bullock’s teeth will get date raped by the muscle clad Lattimer while the fat dumb kid watches and cries. Until next time!

Memorable quote: “I’m not too good to tear a hole in your tiny ass!”

1 comment:

  1. The tennis player is not the coach's daughter. The daughter was the one dating the backup qb who cheats on his test. The best line of the movie is "let's put the women and children to bed and go searching for some f#c&i*ng meat!"

    pretty ridiculous movie that I used to love when I was a kid.

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