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Thursday, January 6, 2011

An Assignment...IN MURDERING!

Eric
Hey all! Eric & Andy here with some homework for our loyal Iews fans!

Andy
Things are pretty busy back at the office after the Holidays. Getting back to the grind!

Eric
Don't I know it, brah. So many things to do! It's like that first day back at work is just...MURDER!

Andy
Speaking of MURDER, let's get to it.

Eric
We've got a lot of people for you to get rid of, homeslices. We'd do it ourselves, but man are we swamped!

Andy
Eric has a baby on the way and I have other things, anyway the point is, we need a favor. This is the beginning of a new series. Every week we are going to tell you about someone that we want dead and give you reasons why.

Eric
It'll be really simple to do, and we'll even give you some pointers on how not to get caught. Let's be honest, there are a ton of murders in this city and the police are actually WAY backed up. It's not like SVU is for real...no one ever really gets caught. Most cops didn't go to college, yo! They're pretty busy too!

Andy
Who's our first unlucky murder victim, Eric?

Eric
Well, there's a real dirtbag who bartends at the Liar's Club on Fullerton. I don't know his name, but seriously...what a prick.

Andy
He has brown or blond hair and maybe has an earring or maybe not. I can't remember.  He was sort of tall, right?

Eric
Pretty tall. You can pick him out of a crowd of short guys, for sure. I wouldn't go looking for him at the basketball court, he'll just blend in.

Andy
He wears T-shirts usually, but sometimes he wears button down shirts and shoes.

Eric
I remember him in jeans once!

Andy
Anyway, he really fucked us over one time.  We were there mackin' on some chicks and just getting our swerve on, and this dude told me that my credit card was declined.

Eric
I was about to hand him some cash quick-like, in order to impress these shawties with my roll, and he started making a scene. Like we weren't gonna pay him or some such nonsense.  You know what they call that on the streets?  COCKBLOCKING.

Andy
So then, he tries to throw Eric out for kissing his wife or some shit.

Eric
Stepping to me. I mean...STEPPING.  I kept cool though.

Andy
So now you know why he needs to be murdered. Let's tell you where to find him.

Eric
Well, Liar's Club is spot one. This might be the easiest place to stalk, track, and hunt him down like an animal.

Andy
Now, we can NOT stress this strongly enough, but do NOT hurt anyone else while you are murdering this guy. I wanna say his name is Ben or Doug.

Eric
You probably want to dress in dark clothes, and wear some sort of face altering device. NOT A MASK...just add a scar or glue your nostrils together. That way, the cops are looking for a scarred guy with a real fucked up nose situation.

Andy
Once you do this, be sure to bury him properly, you do NOT want this coming back to you.  Now we will do our part to protect you, but we can only do so much because we are busy.  As we said earlier.

Eric
Oh, and when you get the job done, contact us and we've got a lovely gift for you: Night Court Season One on DVD! Think about all those laughs!

Andy
So please help us out. In conclusion, here are the things you need to know.
1. Please murder the bartender at Liar's Club
2. His name is either Chuck or Doug, something with 1 or 2 syllables.

Eric
3. He's got something against two cool guys who are just trying to have some fun.

Andy
4. He fucked with the wrong cool guys.

Eric
5. There are some great burial spots out on River Road by the Hala Kahiki tiki bar.

That's your assignment, chilluns!

Andy
Please murder this person for us!  Stay tuned next week when we ask you to murder the lady who works at the Jarvis Red Line stop!

Eric
Oh, god, does she deserve a heaping helping of stabs.

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