Yesterday, while you were all watching the Bears play the Dolphins, I was getting ready for my favorite night of the year! The Golden Globes! It's the one time a year when ALL the best celebrities come together and cut loose. Everyone is drinking and doesn't care what they look like, they just wanna have a great time without any implications in the morning.
Ricky Gervais hosted the event. Did you know that hosting means making 5 jokes at the top of the show and then making 3 other jokes during the show? It seemed like that was their main advertising campaign. "Watch Ricky Gervais lampoon Hollywood all night long!" But then he called John Travolta and Tom Cruise gay, and that was it.
Shit, I could do that.
Speaking of Jews...
See, one thing we know is that Jews control the media, but one thing we didn't know is that all celebrities are Jews also. For instance, did you know that Winona Ryder is? Here real name is Winona Horowitz.
Still don't believe me? Here are some Jews you can Iews:
James Franco, Andrew Garfield, Natalie Portman, Isla Fisher, Jonah Hill, Selma Blair, Elizabeth Banks, and Jake Gyllenhaal.
Now you always thought that Jewish chicks worried too much and went crazy when they have sex, but that's not entirely true. They are also capable of living regular lives and being famous, so there's something for you to look forward to. It's nice to see that after your people kill Jesus, you can still be successful.
The Golden Globes are my favorite awards show because they combine the best of both worlds! Television and Movies (which you can also watch on television). Sometimes they nominate movies that haven't even been out yet, which is confusing because I can't cheer for those movies because I haven't seen them.
To be Frank with you, I haven't actually seen ANY of the movies that were nominated except Inception so I was cheering for Inception to win. Either way, nobody saw "The King's Speech" so nobody was cheering for that piece of garbage.
What was that even about?! A King? With a lisp or something? What a stupid idea for a movie.
What if the King was really black or something? I would watch that movie because I love to watch things about royalty and they could get Idris Alba to be in it and he. is. hawt.
Let's get to the biggest category of the night: Best TV Show!
There were lots of options this year, so I was excited for this one. I've been having a hard time this year finding a job in the theater, so I've had LOTS of nights free, and have watched most of these shows. The contestants for Best TV Show were:
The Good Wife- This Chicago-based show features great acting. In it are a guy from Dead Poet's Society, the lady from Men In Black, and that horrendous monster looking lady Christine Baranski.
Modern Family- A very funny show about different kinds of families who are all in the same families. The only person you would know from this show is Ed O'Neil who was probably most famous for his role as the FBI Team Leader in The Spanish Prisoner. Because there aren't many celebs in this, you probably didn't see many of the cast there, because the Golden Globes are for stars, not for jerks like us.
Boardwalk Empire- This show is on HBO so it was a clear favorite because on HBO there are boobs and people can say the word "Cocksucker". This show was made by Martin Scorsese and features Steve Buscemi as this gangster guy...I haven't seen this one, but it's about boardwalks and cocksuckers, I bet.
Glee- This seems to be everyone's favorite show except for me. I think it sort of sucks, honestly. I think the acting is terrible, the style of dialogue and range of issues jumps too frequently for it to ever be interesting, the music choices are too safe, and for a while it co-starred a person who in my opinion is the fucking bane of entertainment, Kristen Chenoweth.
I mean, if God offered me an opportunity to be homeless for a year, but then Kristen Chenoweth would be gone forever, I would take it.
Her voice and stupid haircut and... you guys know she's like, 60 years old, right?
As far as entertainment goes, my burning and undying hatred for her is only eclipsed by Robert Plant's comeback album.
Anyway, Glee is pretty stupid, and if you ever say this to someone who likes Glee they say this:
"I know it's stupid, but it's fun!"
That means they don't think it's stupid.
Anyway, I forgot who won in the category "Best TV Show" because "Burn Notice" wasn't nominated. AND THAT SHOW IS THE JAM.
You wanna know something else about me? I get blond women confused. Like this lady here... I don't know who she is, and in Hollywood, all blond women can be interchangeable so why get attached? They all look the same and they all play girlfriends in romantic comedies or Russel Crowe's wife. I seriously couldn't pick Kate Winslett out of a line up until she got old looking.
For some reason people think this dude is really good looking even though he looks like he has a glass eye and is a foreigner.
Everybody went home a winner this year, except for Johnny Depp who lost for everything he was nominated for. I think that is good because he seems like sort of a jackass. Always wearing lots of bracelets and sunglasses at night time. Plus, he won the award of marrying a french model and living in a castle in France, so let's not encourage him.
Great job, Hollywood!
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach