Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Cape (Television Show ANTHONY TOURNIS)

Alright. Watching a show about superheroes on one of the major networks is like judging a second grade finger painting contest. They are all shitty, but you smile and say it’s good because it looks like they put a lot of effort into it (but left out all that talent stuff). Don’t get started with all the “What about the original Batman, and Superman TV shows?” Shut up. Even back then those characters were very well known to the public. ANYONE would watch ANYTHING with Batman and Superman. It’s a no-brainer(kind of like ‘The Cape’) I swear, the ONLY good superhero TV show that any of the major networks put out was ‘The Greatest American Hero’ (that show fucking rules!!!). You might say “Hey! ‘Heroes’ was good, douche bag!” It was good…for a little bit…how did it end? CANCELLED!!!! “’The Flash’, penis breath!” Not an original series. One season. CANCELLED!!!

That’s what ‘The Cape’ is…DYING TO BE CANCELLED.

The show starts off in Palm City (dumb name) and officer Vince Faraday watches his boss get blown up by a villain named Chess (dumb name). Faraday is the only clean cop on the force…HOW DO WE KNOW?!?!?!? Because Orwell (dumb and really fucking obvious name) posted a list of corrupt cops on a website and Faraday’s name wasn’t on there. Faraday says “Screw this shit! I’m going to the private sector!”, and gets a job with ARK Industries as security for Peter Fleming (who looks an awful lot like Chess, doesn’t he?)

The day before he starts working for ARK Faraday stumbles upon a shipment of experimental weapons. ARK police catch him and take him to Fleming who is dressed like Chess (confused yet?) Chess dresses Faraday up like Chess and frames him for the murder of Faraday’s boss (I’m not glazing over anything…this is how fast this shit happened). After a chase there is an explosion which leads everyone to believe that Faraday is dead…HE ESCAPED (IN THE MOST OBVIOUS WAY POSSIBLE)!!! So, Faraday hooks up with a group of Circus bandits and they teach him all his tricks so he can fight crime and clear his name as “The Cape” (which is the name of the hero in the comics that his son reads).


I’m not fucking kidding! This show is at such a break-neck pace you have no idea what the hell is going on! In the first 5 minutes Chess (really? That is a seriously dumb name for a villain? Was Checkers taken?) just shows up and kills a guy. No explanation of who he is and why he is a villain! THIS PISSES ME OFF!!!!!

Listen, if you let your audience get to know the people in your television show…WE MIGHT CARE ABOUT THEM WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THEM!!!!! I wanted to punch these writers in the face for not giving the audience enough credit. If you throw that much eye candy at me then you think I’m dumb. I didn’t even get into the shitty character that Vinnie Jones plays. HORRIBLE!!! Hey, there is a really tough midget (he’s EXTREME!!!) Don’t get me wrong, the premise isn’t horrible, Keith David and James Frain are good actors (mostly in other stuff (someone was looking for a boat payment)), BUT THE SCRIPT TREATS YOU AS IF YOU’RE 5 YEARS OLD!!!!! I won’t tolerate that.

Good luck ‘The Cape’! I’ll dust off a spot for you in between ‘Cop Rock’ and ‘The Chevy Chase Show'!


-Anthony Tournis


  1. Now M.A.N.T.I.S. Thaaat was a Show! Look it up kids.

  2. How do you arrange your canceled TV shows? Cape would come before Chevy Chase and Cop Rock.

  3. What do you think about "Smallville" as a superhero translation? Granted, its on the wb/cw/whatever, but it has a loyal following