EXPOSE: WOMEN! Men will like you if you put out! (By: Scoop "The Scoop" Tournis)
Hey there, America! Looks like I’m moving up in the world! I talked to Eric and Andy about letting me do something more than just sports and games. They said no. Then I showed them pictures I took of Eric and Andy watching Twilight Eclipse (they weren’t exactly watching the movie the entire time (Andy must really like popcorn because his hand was in Eric’s Popcorn bucket for most of the movie (the movie is a piece of shit (not really a spoiler)))). Long story short, I am YOUR investigative reporter. Women, this expose is for you (that isn’t all I have for you (YEAH!)). I was flying solo at a 4th of July party (love it or leave it, terrorists!) because my on-again-off-again girlfriend Misti Kankleman was experiencing her time of the month (her time of the month to be a bitch! (Kanks knows I’m kidding (not really though))). The party was pretty sweet because we were celebrating America by drinking and blowing shit up. Anyway, I was drinking and I saw this chick across the room. She was pretty good looking so I decided to talk to her (because I’m nice). She had some stupid boring story about how she just moved to the city and had didn’t really know anyone. It was getting late so I asked her if she wanted to get out of here. She was being all girly and shy so I said if “Hey, if we boned I would totally be your friend.” Her jaw hit the floor. Then I could see the wheels turning. I just gave her the greatest friends getting advice ever! Bone guys and they will be your friends! This chick was totally clueless to the wisdom I was laying on her (and I would hopefully be laying something else on her (my boner)). I guess she couldn’t take the awesomeness of that proposition so she ran away (I assume to contemplate the holy grail-esque (Bible) wisdom I had just smacked her with). Then I got thinking: Do all girls know this? I found another broad and offered her friendship in exchange for sex. I must hast have blown her mind because her eyes got really big and ran away to tell her friends (by the end of the night were all pointing at me and laughing (they were probably laughing at how easy it would be for them to make a bunch of new friends)). I didn’t make any new friends that night (later on I made mind friends with at least three of those ladies), but it got me thinking that if these girls didn’t know this info, what about the rest of America? That is why I am here today. LADIES: MEN WILL LIKE YOU IF YOU PUT OUT! Ah. That felt good to get out. I felt like I was sitting on the biggest secret in the world. It is the truth ladies. If you give us carnal delights we will give you respect and friendship. Seems like a fair trade, doesn’t it? I mean I get to bang you and you get to be my friend! Who doesn’t want friends? Everyone wants friends! Want to make friends? Take your pants off. You can even make friends with other girls. WE WOULD STILL BE FRIENDS IF YOU MADE FRIENDS WITH OTHER GIRLS! We just want to see how friendly you are. If you filmed the friendship that would be awesome to. So ladies, when you feel lonely, like you have no one in the world remember: Let a guy plow you.