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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Interview with Dwight David Honeycutt


Perhaps you've heard of Dwight David Honeycutt.  Perhaps you haven't.  It doesn't MATTER what you've heard of!  Mr. Honeycutt has started a bit of an internet sensation with his 5 minute political video: Dwight David Honeycutt for Conway School Board.

See what I mean?  Blowing your conceptions out of the water one-by-one, Mr. Honeycutt has proven that one man can make a difference, and that people from Arkansas can be pretty funny.

We sat down with Mr. Honeycutt for an EXCLUSIVE two-on-one interview, and things could not have gone smoother...LET'S READ!

Hello, Mr. Honeycutt, may we call you Dwight David?

Absolutely. I will also answer to "Dwight," "D.D.", "Dirty D" or "Tits McGee."

Oh. Alright, Mr. Honeycutt, sorry about that. Would you like some scotch?

Ummm...scotch.

Great! Why did you decide to get into politics?

Well, it honestly just had to do with a general goddamned lack of respect from people. I don't know much about schools and I don't typically get along with people, but I asked myself, "What's the highest public office you can hold and still remain a complete fucking degenerate?" ...But Senator takes too much money, so I went with School Board.

What made you decide to lose your mind publicly on the internet?

That was kind of rigged. My no good, son-of-a-bitch nephew put me up to most of that. It was supposed to be a legitimate video to begin with, but then he kept filling my glass.

What was the name of your children’s show, and who was the hot broad on it with you?

The children's show was called "The U.S.S. Rhythm." The hot broad will remain nameless because she's married with kids now, but I'm tellin' you boys, back in the day, she had the kind of ass you'd like to eat some pork chops off of.

Can you please elaborate on the “old sunburnt gal” story that you begin to tell in the School Board video?

We were having sex against a riding mower and I look down and she's got pube-rings. Big pubic ringlets. They were disgusting. ...Almost enough to make me stop.

What is your reaction to the BP oil spill and how it will effect America in these already trying times?

The most safety failures of any oil company in history last year, the biggest environmental catastrophe of the modern era for our country, and Tony Hayward got a handsome buyout today. What else do you need to know? Corrupted fuckwits, all of them.

Are you an avid play-goer? Which plays have you seen that you really enjoyed?

I like a lot of the contemporary in-your-face British fare. Sarah Kane, Anthony Neilson, Martin Crimp. I like Shakespeare a lot. Then I saw this show one time at Lollapalooza in the 90s where a dude lifted shit up with chains attached to piercings in his junk. More of an 'act' than a 'play', but awesome nonetheless.

Are you for goddamned real?

I'm so real I swallow life whole and then shit truth.

Sorry, sorry. Well, Mr. Honeycutt, we love you, and the internet loves you. You’ve definitely got a hit on your hands, whether you wanted one or not. How does it feel to be America’s last honest man?

I'm proud to hold the distinction. Means almost as much as my tabletop shuffleboard plaque from the VFW.

Thanks, Mr. Honeycutt. May you live to be a thousand years old, and lead us into a new glorious age of freedom and love.

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