Swedish Covenant Hospital (GUEST REVIEWER SEAN MALLARY)

Due to a variety of aliments or injuries between my wife and myself over the last 10 years, I’ve had the unfortunate pleasure of many late night/early morning jaunts to emergency rooms across the nation as well as the greater Chi-town area. You might even say I’m a connoisseur. Yep, emergency medical facilities, and truck stop bathrooms-but that’s a whole other review, as decent medical center glory holes tend to be hard to find these days.

I’m here to review the north side ER at Swedish Covenant Hospital in Chicago’s Lincoln Square neighborhood. My wife and I took a no-expenses paid trip to this particular ER at 9 o’clock last Saturday to take care of a minor medical issue. Nestled on the corner of Foster and California in west Lincoln Square, we found that the hospital was easy to locate, was well lit and parking was ample. The ambulance drop off was uninhibited by wandering vagrants, or drunken low life’s of any kind. This was a very different experience from our regular visits to Thorek Hospital on Irving Park and Broadway. Upon entering the ER, we were surprised at the cleanliness of the window lined waiting area that was filled with nicely maintained comfortable seating. It was outfitted with a fire place, and two giant plasma TV’s displaying basic cable channels. We noted how the aesthetically pleasing area was quiet, warmly lit, and free from the smell of urine or further overwhelming bodily odors we’ve encountered at other city hospitals. The person at the reception desk was unusually friendly and spoke fluent English as she politely took our information. She dealt with us with a humane demeanor, opposed to the “fuck you, why the hell are you here?” treatment we’d become accustomed to in the past.

Within ten minutes we were seen by an attractive, English speaking nurse who competently processed my wife in to a fancy-pants, computerized medical tracking system. As we waited, I discovered a well stocked vending machine area, in addition to immaculately well kept bathrooms; a real shock to this reviewer. Again we were surprised at the both the overall cleanliness of the ER, as well as the compassionate treatment we received at every step of our visit. Everyone there exhibited an uncharacteristic mentally that seemed to state: “I like my job, plus I actually care about your well being and value your time.”

We waited less than another ten minutes in a private observation room before we were seen by an insanely hot Nubian goddess who happened to be our attending doctor. She had a pleasant bed-side manner, and was very thorough in her examination techniques as she spent a generous amount of time dealing with our concerns. Unlike other doctors we’d seen, she acted as if her position mattered, and that she had received her medical credentials from somewhere other than the Dr. Nick Skool’o Med Stuff and Malpractice Emporium. Two other nurses catered to our health needs over the course of the evening. One was very attractive and conversational, while the other, to put it bluntly, was mousey and had been beaten repeatedly with the ugly/big boned stick. However, both were highly skilled, efficient medical professionals. We were expediently treated, and the check out process was simple, without the normal hell of having to sign away our rights in a thicket of hospital red tape. The entire visit lasted just under 2 hours, which was the time I spent in the waiting room alone at Thorek before being seen by anyone when I broke my ankle earlier this year.

So in summary, I highly recommend this fine Lincoln Square institution for all your emergency medical needs. Here are the final highlights of my review:

Swedish Covenant Hospital ER-

*Safe, well lit neighborhood

*Ample parking

*No drunken hobos

*Courteous, attractive staff in a ratio of 3 to 1

*Minimum waiting times

*Quality medical treatment in a timely fashion

*Clean and urine smell free!

*Tasty snacks

*74.5% less bullshit paperwork

*English spoken (possibly other languages as well, but I didn’t ask)

*Total cost: To be determined. The use of health insurance is encouraged..

Here’s my rating next to other Chicago hospitals:

Swedish Covenant: 5 brand new syringes up

Rush Hospital: 2 blood contaminated syringes down

Thorek Hospital: 1 skull of death syringe down

-Sean Mallary, Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach