Under America (Mortar Theatre Company)

Andy

On Friday, Eric and I took our wives out on a beautiful late summer evening to the theater. That's the place you want to be on one of the last nice nights of the year.

Eric

It was brilliant and gorgeous and it was so nice that Mortar Theatre company gave us free tickets so we didn't have to sit on a patio all night drinking Shirley Temples and Sloe Gin Fizzes. Before the show, we went to Jack's on Southport.

Andy

I had been there a few times before. It feels like, sort of a last meal before you enter Athaeneum Theater Jail.

Eric

There definitely is a death march vibe as you walk up to its Shawshank Prison stone edifice.

Andy

At Jack's we dined on the finest cheeseburgers and fried pickles this side of Southport Avenue. We discussed politics and football, upcoming artistic presentations, and of course, the bartender.

Eric

This guy had watched the entire collection of Entourage on BluRay, and he wanted us to hug it out with him. I didn't want to though. I wanted him to give me my IPAs without any horseplay.

Andy

Hey bartenders! I'm not your fucking friend. I just wanna shot of Sambuca and a to go box. Quit it with the jumping in the convos ESPECIALLY if you are gonna spit out some facts you don't know about the Mosque in New York City. You are talking to the wrong kind of white folks.

Eric

I really wish we had gotten a lady waitress. She seemed so nice when my wife wanted her burger refired. We're at Jack's, not a Hooters in Rockford. Let's all know our place and not start talking about politics with our waitstaff. Anyway, the artichoke dip was really great.

Andy

Maybe that Pastor in Florida needs some Jack's Artichoke Dip.

Our wives asked us what play we were going to.

Eric

Andy and I steeled ourselves. We were not looking forward to double icy glares.

Andy

After I faked a coughing fit for 8 or 9 minutes, I informed the table that we were going to see a 2 hour and 45 minute play about race relations in Chicago from a baby company called Mortar Theatre Company.

Eric

A hush filled the bar. The only sounds were awkward fork scratchings on plates, and Molly Hatchet on the jukebox.

Andy

Well, after our wives paid for dinner, it was time to head over. Eric and I walked behind them, as we hummed "Flirtin' With Disaster". They were oddly, not in the mood for a 2 hour and 45 minute play about race relations in Chicago on this Friday night, after a long day of work.

Eric

Luckily, once we got to the theater and the promise of free tickets was realized, everyone seemed much happier. People love free things.

Andy

Our friend John Moran came too. Our wives love him.

Eric

We settled into our semi-comfortable seats and got ready to have our minds changed about white people and black people all over again. Only Norman Lear in the 1970s can do it better.

Andy

Let me give you the play setup:

"A young white lesbian moves into Cabrini Green to live amongst the black people to write an article about their struggles."

What does this sound like to you? If you answered "Black Dicks for X-Mas 7", you'd be right.

Eric

Most porno operates under the umbrella that lesbians are just looking for the right man to make them switch teams. I wondered how the hell this show was gonna get away with the naughty bits.

Andy

There was no naughty bits, though. Only an Asian lady strokin' boobs for a sec. That doesn't count.

Eric

So, there are a LOT of plots in this show...Anderson named the main one already. But, there's also the lesbian reporter's parents who seem to be some sort of politician and his sickly wife. He's always telling the lesbian that she's naive...but you know that's not true because gay people are never naive.

Andy

Well, the playwright must think the audience is naive because he said the lesbian went to Northwestern. Everybody knows about Northwestern's big anti-gay policy.

Eric

There's also the black family who lives in Cabrini Green with their old dog that you never see because it's really hard to put a dog into a play because dogs are notorious improvisers. Can't trust them.

Andy

The black family said things like:

"Chile, whachoo doin'!?"

and

"I be from these Streetz!"

So this was a totally realistic way to engulf me into the world which is actually about 10 blocks from the theater.

Eric

The youngest child gets arrested for possession of some sort of controlled substance and thrown into prison. We are also informed by the gay reporter that prisons are the new slavery so we should be mad about this.

Oh, also, his older brother works at a flower shop.

Andy

His brother works at a flower shop and has a wife named Tamika and a baby, and he is trying to dig out from under the ghetto and be a great dad and save money. See? There are so many things already in this play that deal greatly with everyone in Chicago's favorite play device:

Juxtaposition.

For some reason, Chicago playwrights think the way to really win over an audience is to make things as different as they can and then compare them, and then bring them together...WHERE THEY MEET IN THE GRAY AREA.

Eric

Andy, are you telling me that this use of juxtaposition could have been used in a different way?

Andy

Listen, Eric. Maybe I'm wrong here, but we live our lives in gray areas. Basically, part of being an adult is making compromises everyday. It is EXCITING to see a character stand up and be willing to NOT compromise and have to pay the price for it. And not that the racial energy isn't an important part of the city we live in, but...

When will we see REAL juxtaposition? Real compromise?

Eric

Oh, you mean like a gas pump and the Andromeda Galaxy. Or a beef wellington and the works of Madame Bovary.

Andy

Right. So say for instance, if all black people were giraffes, and all lesbian reporters were spacemen. NOW WE GOT A FUCKIN' PLAY GOIN' ON!!!!

Eric

That would be pretty amazing to watch and I would feel incredible while experiencing it for myself! But, we are now reviewing a play that doesn't exist...yet.

Andy

Ok. We are off to a good start. So from now on, let's call the lesbos "Spacemen" and the blacks "Giraffes".

Eric

What can we call the Puerto Rican woman?

Andy

Let's call her "Dominican".

Eric

OK, so the Spaceman goes and lives with the Giraffes while the Dominican explains to us how hard assed she is and the Spaceman's parents complain about pills and people getting shot by Giraffes.

Then there's the Catman.

Andy

What should we call prison?

Eric

American Girl Place.

Andy

Ok. So, the littlest Giraffe is slangin' weed on the El train and gets caught and thrown into American Girl Place where he meets all kinds of other Giraffes.

Eric

And then we get to the title metaphor.

Andy

Turns out, under the American Girl Place, there are a series of tunnels connecting all the projects and ghettos and American Girl Places in America.

What should we call tunnels?

Eric

Wormholes.

Andy

So the little Giraffe gets thrown into solitary confinement in the American Girl Place and his dad shows up and takes him through the Wormholes.

Eric

So far, this is the best goddamned show I've seen this year.

Andy

See? Pay attention, youngsters.

So while he is in the wormholes he runs into a Catman. Is that right?

Eric

Yes. And the Catman has a letter to give to the Parole Board of the American Girl Place. So, for this next bit in the second act, the show becomes a live action Legend of Zelda. Because Catman tasks the little Giraffe with the letter.

Andy

The little Giraffe doesn't want to do it though! He wants to stay in American Girl Place because he thinks that that is where all Giraffes wind up anyway.

Eric

Back to the Spaceman in the projects...she is now stealing her mom's Zanex to get through the crazy nights at Cabrini Green. And now SHE starts having insane hallucinations and thinks the older brother Giraffe is stealing her MacBook.

Andy

Let's call MacBooks "Big League Chew".

Eric

So, she's going crazy looking for her Big League Chew and her parents show up in her dreams as psychotic police officers and take HER to the wormholes to and the little Giraffe runs into the Catman again.

Andy

The Catman might be his dad Giraffe, or maybe just a crazy guy. He lives in Texas somewhere.

Eric

And I guess in Texas they end the second act of a three act play with a little prison rape.

Andy

This is Cat on Giraffe rape. Almost like two black guys in jail.

Eric

I was shaken to the core. We needed some sodas stat!

For some reason, the entire Athenaeum building was closed off except for the 1st floor studio for Under America. So, one of the theater workers had to unlock the elevator so a group of us could go to the vending machines. I don't like being in the Athenaeum at night. I haven't liked it for years. And now, during our nocturnal adventure to the vending machines, I finally understood why.

The whole building is haunted by dead plays.

As I entered the vending machine room, I thought I saw the eldritch shade of William Inge walk past me. It was actually an ancient headshot of David Skvarla fluttering to the ground.

Andy

Man, that guy stood right behind us as our dollars weren't being taken. It felt like we really were in the American Girl Place!

And Skvarla, just staring up at us the whole time.

Eric

We entered the elevator with our sodas. WHAT'S THAT NOISE? Is that the club footed steps of Laura from The Glass Menagerie?

Andy

Nope. It was just an AA meeting finishing up in the basement.

You were so scared.

Eric

I don't ever want to be in the Athenaeum alone again. I also don't ever want to have to type the word "Athenaeum" again.

Andy

So we are back to the play after the second intermission, and by now, things look really bad for the Spaceman and the little Giraffe. The Asian talks to the Dominican about rescuing the little Giraffe from the American Girl Place, but says that the Spaceman has to stop writing about it on her Big League Chew or it will draw too much attention in court and they will have to make a Clam Chowder out of him.

Also, I changed the word "example" to "Clam Chowder".

Eric

Once again, juxtaposition. And really, just plain old position.

Oh, and the Asian spaceman and the other spaceman are really mad at each other because the spaceman is more interested in the Big League Chew and the Giraffes.

Andy

I can't really remember what happens at the end, except the Spaceman's parents are better than we thought they were. And the oldest Giraffe dies of a stroke.

Eric

Right. And then there was some poetic bookending with the very opening lines, which I appreciated because I forgot what they were, being that I saw them 2 hours and 40 minutes ago.

Andy

Right. Let's talk about the performances.

Eric

OK. I really liked Deanna K. Reed as the oldest Giraffe. She was very loving and could be tough when she needed to be.

Andy

She was just great!

You know, they say in Chicago, it's hard to find good Giraffes that are non-equity, but that didn't seem to be the case.

Eric

No way!

I also love Annie Slivinski who played the Spaceman's mom...I had also seen her in The Lady From Dubuque where she played the Lady from Dubuque.

Andy

Who played the older brother Giraffe?

Eric

Sentell Harper. He played MANY roles in the show, including the Catman, and had no problem switching in between them all.

Andy

He was really great, too.

Eric

Agreed. There are some good actors in this show.

Andy

Really good actors! It's a hard script to make live, but they did a nice job.

Eric

The set was well done, in fact, all the production values were pretty top shelf. Somebody's got a little cash to wave around, eh Mortar Theatre???

Andy

Yeah! Remember, these are kids who are just getting started, it's important to support these younger companies because they are our future. Do you want your kids to grow up knowing that there is no more Mortar Theatre Company?

Eric

I don't. It always makes me sad to cross another theatre company off the big list of theatre companies.

Andy

Rush out to see "Under America" at Mortar Theatre Company, but bring your own sodas, or you will be raped in the Athenaeum.

Eric

GHOST RAPED. Oh, and don't go to Jack's unless you love boring ill-informed bartenders.

Do something fun this weekend!

Under America: B-

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Frost/Nixon at TimeLine Theatre (BY GUEST REVIEWERS MICHAEL PETERS AND JESSIE FISHER)

Michael: Wow, I totally love going to openings of things. I went to this one at Remy Bumppo which was a totally awesome spectacle, opening of the Apple Store in Naperville, and the grand opening of the Big Lots! on Diversey all in the same month! I got a great deal on those 4 packs of Cadbury Eggs! Yummy!

Jessie: Well, Michael, I attended the Frost/Nixon opening at Timeline theatre. You know, Timeline? That theatre where you performed in the hit musical Altar Boyz for two years with Will Allan?

Michael: I’m not familiar. Do you mean TimeLine?

Jessie: Oh...must be thinking of a different theatre then. But doesn’t Will Allan kind of look like Justin Bieber’s gay sister?

Michael: Oh yeah, totally. He’s got that look DOWN. But wait, let’s back up a second. You were at the grand opening of Frost/Nixon at TimeLine Theatre as well? That was the other totally awesome thing I was able to go to the other night! You were there?

Jessie: I was totes there. I saw you, but you were singing show tunes and weeping with the other Altar Boyz so I didn’t want to interrupt the ritual. Well, hey, now we can review that play, I guess.

Michael: I guess. Well, first and foremost, what hairlines! Hairlines in the 1970s were totally in! Big ones, widow’s peaks, thinning, none, what amazing freedom they must have had! I think that was after birth control and before, like, STDs and stuff, so everyone wanted to have really awesome hairlines to do it with. Chicks dig ‘em, don’t they?

Jessie: Hmm, yeah, I guess that’s true. Now that AIDS are around, I just don’t care about hairlines like I used to in the 70’s.

Michael: So, is this the part where we recap the plot for everyone who didn’t see the movie?

Jessie: Can they just YouTube the movie? I mean, do we have to explain everything? Like the political background leading up to the events? Do the readers of this blog know who Nixon was and all the amazing things he did?

Michael: I know, right? He totally brought Vietnam to an end and ushered in a new era of international diplomacy. He also totally undermined the people’s authority to have control of their government and stuff. Which was lame, so I guess that’s what most of the play was about. Like, how lame that was. And that, like, he should answer for it. Or something.

Jessie: But the man was a Quaker. Does that count for nothing anymore? Its like having an Aztec president basically because I’m pretty sure the Quakers have all died out.

Michael: They live on on oatmeal boxes at least. Well, alright, so there’s this preening English prick named David Frost (played by some aptly cast American named Andrew Carter) who’s like only a little famous, like Steve Zahn famous, and he wants to be, like, Jimmy Fallon famous. So he thinks interviewing Richard Nixon will make him Jimmy Fallon!

Jessie: I always confuse Steve Zahn and Giovanni Ribisi. Did they both play mentally challenged dudes?

Michael: I think they are the same mentally challenged dude, actually.

Jessie: Wow, lets move on before we lose our core audience.

Michael: So he decides to pay a bunch of money to Richard Nixon to get some interviews with him so that he can make him admit he’s a failure and a jerk. But, like, Richard Nixon is totally a smart guy so it’s really hard for him to be honest about stuff.

Jessie: Once you get him liquored up, its a different story.

Michael: Boy howdy! Can that man spew some truth! Every bit of that scene where he calls Frost all drunk rings like church bells on Sunday.

Jessie: I don’t get it because I’m Jewish.

Michael: Sorry, like...temple...chimes on...Saturday?

Jessie: Acceptable. We love chimes. Continue.

Michael: Cool. They go into the interviews and Frost is totally worthless and Nixon just talks over him and stuff and Frost gets, like, nothing out of him. So Frost goes home and gets blown by his hot English girlfriend and he has an epiphany! He goes to the last day of the interviews with both feet swinging, and the intellectual thrust and parry that ensues! Mwah! I could hardly keep up. Those guys are totally awesome at talking!

Jessie: So true! And when they aren’t awesome at talking, their sidekicks jump in and awesome talk for them. Like that guy who was played by Sam Rockwell in the movie. And the other guy who was played by Kevin Bacon in the movie.

Michael: Wow, those guys were cool too. Let’s just call them Sam Rockwell and Kevin Bacon from here on. And we’ll call the Nixon guy Frank Langella.

Jessie: Do we need all this background stuff? I mean, would that lady critic of the Tribune provide a backstory? We are professionals, Michael. I didn’t make these “professional critic” T-shirts for nothing.

Michael: I thought you did make them for nothing, you have your own silk-screen process in your bathroom, don’t you?

Jessie: Yeah, but that is for the clients. I just wrote in Sharpie over my Cubs t-shirt. I guess I wasn’t really committed to the idea.

Michael: So then they talk some more, and Nixon almost cries and stuff because he blurts out that he’s an illegal immigrant or something, and apparently that was bad because...

Jessie: Wait, shouldn’t we leave the end as a big surprise?

Michael: You’re right, I got totally excited from all the jabs and thrusts from Frost and Nixon. You all should just go see it. Nobody can possibly know what happens unless they go see the show (or rent the movie, or watch the actual interviews, or read the many books by various firsthand participants in the interviews)!

Jessie: Well, I will say I liked this show. It was like watching a boxing match minus the awkward and violent homoerotic vibes and blood.

Michael: I agree, I’ll say I liked it too. Except I saw it before on a pirated DVD my roommate had, and we all know that theatre can never be as good as a movie because they’re more expensive. Just ask Michael Bay. He did a really terrible production of The Emperor Jones that I saw. Fine direction, but it was bad because there wasn’t any money.

Jessie: So go see Frost/Nixon. And write a better review than we just did. I dare you.

Hideous Progeny (Livewire Theatre Company)

I showed up 4 minutes late for this play.
God, I feel terrible about it.

Here's the plot as best as I can describe it minus the first four minutes:

Percy Shelley, Lord Byron and Doctor John Polidori have just arrived back home from the Bow Tie Convention and are ready to tear some shit up. They get to Byron's house and there's a pool table and some pianos and shit so they can all get weird and talk about sports and poems and chicks when who is waiting at the house? All the pregnant hos the dudes were trying to avoid. There is Mary Shelley, Percy's wife. But Percy hates her because they lost a baby before, but now they have one and there's another in the oven, hey pal, that's 66% (and you are a poor idiot poet), why don't you shut up and relax. Also, Percy gets to take another chick with him wherever he wants named Claire Clairemont. Turns out that Claire is Mary's step sister and both Percy and Byron are probably bangin' her. Mary knows, and seems ok with it.

So here's something I dislike about period plays:

When there's lots of weird sex with family members and excessive drinking and everyone in the house is up screwin' each other drunk all night, it's accepted because we look at characters from a different time as aliens. How could WE know what life was like for them?

Well, I'll tell you what I know. It was weird even then for everyone to be having sex with each other, pounding down the funny colored wine. There should be at least one character in every period play to stand up and shout "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?!!! ARE YOU GUYS ALL PREGNANT WITH EACH OTHERS BABIES!!?"

And you know what? They were.

So anyway, the biggest selling point for me before I came was that this is the story of how Frankenstein was written. I like that story. I even liked the Branagh movie.

But in this play, they don't really dig into that until close to the end of the first act, so I had to find other things to entertain me.Most notably, John Motherfucking Taflan.

Do you know who John Taflan is? He is an actor in town in general and the guy who plays Lord Byron in this play in particular. He usually plays young men on "the edge". He is the third pole in my "Axis of Beauty".

The Axis of Beauty is a triangle diagram I have above my bed. It has my three favorite actors on it. They are Rob McLean, Dan Granata, and John Taflan. They are all good for different ways, and also because they are all middle aged white men with dark hair and glasses. WOW! Think about this:
If all three were auditioning for the same role, who do you think would get it? Probably Joe Dempsey, but that's not the point. He's equity anyway, jerk.

My wife calls him "John Teflon" because he won't stick to anything for too long!

Anyway, Dr. Polidori comes in one day and is like, "I can make this dead frog come back to life."

And they're all, "No you can't."
And then they all drink some more.

And Byron's all, "I'll wager you a penny you can't"
And then he complains about having too many people in his house.

Really Byron? This fucking guy is gonna bring an animal back from the dead and all you can wager him is a penny? You're a fucking tool, pal. And the wagering stuff isn't the only reason either. You also drink too much, and act like a gay guy and probably rape your maid. Also, you have far too many bow ties, and don't pull the-"That's what they wore back then" because bow ties have ALWAYS been retarded. ARE YOU A PRESENT? Is that why you need to have a big bow on you? Whatever. I hate you, Lord Byron.
No wonder you got kicked out of England.

So the guy brings the frog back to life and nobody really seems to care except for me and Mary Shelley. She puts it in a jar that is way too small for it, and everyone forgets about it, for now.

Meanwhile, Percy Shelley is coughing a lot. Nobody knows why, and then he stops and everyone stops talking about it, which makes me think that it was a dream.

Anyway, Mary Shelley writes the opening to Frankenstein and Lord Byron gives her a recommendation to his agent. And then...
*SPOILER ALERT*
She throws that dead ass frog out the window, because frogs can't travel on boats or something, and then everybody bangs the maid.


Jessica Hutchinson is a new talent in town. For years she has been the Artistic Director of New Leaf Theatre but I hadn't heard of her till like, 2 years ago. She is nice and pretty and friendly and directs good. I don't know why she wanted to have the traverse stage, but I'm sure she had a damn fine reason. Maybe it was so we felt like we were in the room with the drunk maid fuckers.

Tom McGrath plays Percy Shelley. I had the chance to meet Tom on a couple of occasions, and let me tell you about this guy. First of all, he is short and hairy. Second of all, he has a beautiful speaking voice and usually wears glasses. He really made me feel, like, nice.

Pat King plays Doctor Polidori, the guy who was the inspiration for Doctor Frankenstein and does a great job. He is the comic relief in this dark dark play and trips up and down the set. He has a real cute baby face and in the end... I don't wanna give away the end, but let's just say he dies.

Madeline Long plays the maid that gets nailed by everyone in the house and speaks French and is learning English or something, even though she speaks pretty good English for a French person already, even nowadays. She has the most thankless part in this show and does a great job. Have you ever auditioned for a play and they are like, "You got a part!"
You're all like "Cool, what is it?"
They're all like "You are the maid. AND you have to learn a French accent, AND your story arc is the weakest, AND your car is being towed."

Danielle O'Farrell is a young redhead in town that plays the stupid whore named Claire Clairemont in this play. She is attractive and a good actress and went to Roosevelt University. You can also tell she had braces when she was a kid because her smile is so straight.
So what I'm saying is... when you put all those facts together, I bet she is a lesbian in real life.

Lastly, the real workhorse of the show is a young woman named Hillary Williams. She plays Mary and is incredibly watchable. She carries this play on her back from beginning to end and does it all with a robot baby on her boob. Also, if you get bored, you can look at her nose ring.

The real heroes of this show are Anders Jacobson and Jody Radovsky, Sarah Ramos, and Eric Branson. They are the designers of this glorious and weird world and prove that Live Wire has a nice chance at making a name for themselves because picking designers is the most important thing.

Go and see this play!

B+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

Josh Vaughn's Birthday Party this Sunday at F.O. Mahoney's (EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW)

This Sunday is a very important day. It marks the birthday of "Reviews You Can Iews" restaurant critic and Wrigleyville hero, Josh Vaughn. I had a chance to chat with Josh about his plans for the future and what to expect from his upcoming birthday party this Sunday at F.O. Mahoney's. 3701 N. Broadway in Chicago.

Andy

Yo Josh!

Josh

WHADUUUUUPP BRO!

Andy

How's your summer been going?

Josh

HIGH FIVE HIGH FIVE HIGH FVIE1

HIGH FIVE !

Fuckin great, bruh! Other than the Cubs, bro.

Andy

What happened to the Cubs?

Josh

Bro, seriously. Bro...Bro

Andy

What?

Josh

In the shitter, man. Tanked mid season.

Lou's gone. D Lee's gone.

Whatever bro. So whassup Andy?

Andy

Just enjoying the summer, myself. I hear your birthday is coming up soon?

Josh

FUCK YEEAAAAHHHH! GONNA BE OFF THE HOOK, SON!

Andy

How old are you going to be?

Josh

Having shots at F.O. Mahoneys, this Sunday night, the 5th.

Turning 32, bruh. one more year til my Jesus birthday.

Andy

Are you doing anything special?

Josh

Got my buddy Mike Collins, who's the owner, cuz bro, I've got peeps, bro, to hook us up.

Andy

Are you gonna be drinking shots?

Josh

Yeah, man. Got my boys Travis, Trent, and Tyler hanging out

Andy

Any chicks?

Josh

Fuck yeah, bruh! Jaeger bombs, O-bombs, whatever. J-mo. Bring it

bro.

bro.

bro.

Seriously?

Who the fuck you think you're talking to?

Andy

Ummm... Josh Vaughn?

Josh

This is Josh Vaughn, school career assists leader in lacrosse at Southwest Missouri State.

Thats right!!!

Will there be chicks!?

Andy

My b, Josh.

So, when everybody gets there, are you going to make them sing a song or something?

Josh

only Trista, Terra, Taylor, Tiffany, Tressa, and whoever else can't resist the Vaugh-a-thon!

Oh yeah, the shots song that Little John raps

Andy

Fuck yeah, bro.

Josh

Vaughn-a-thon

Oh, bro, I got a whole mix from my I pod set to go

Andy

Josh, what do you want to change about your life during this next year?

Josh

Got Dre, Tupac, NWA

Change? Hmm, thats a good question.

Andy

I know.

Josh

Probably sewttle down, find a nice girl to start a family with in the burbs.

Psych!!!

Gotcha Andy!

I aint changing nothing, bro!

Living Life a quarter mile at a time, bruh!

Andy

That's the way that life was meant to be lived for you, my Bro.

You are one in a million.

Josh

Bruh, I am the center of the Wrigleyville universe.

If I go, it would be like the sun disappearing or something.

Andy

A Prince of Wrigleyville. Josh, tell me a story about your birthday last year, and maybe it will entice people to come this year.

Josh

Well, around 4 in the morning, I was mackin on this chick at Nick's Uptown, and her boyfriend shows up. Some hipster dude, with glasses and a mustache. You know, the kind of dude without a job. Fuckin loser.

Andy

and?

Josh

so he's all, excuse me, but you're in my seat, and I'm all like, no dude, I'm just awesome. And he's all like, Death Cab, or this and that, so Me and Travis drag his ass out, cuz I know the bouncer, he's cool with me, and we throw him out.

Cuz, bro...it's my birthday.

Andy

Woah dude. This seems like an awesome party!

Josh

so Travis and I do some more shots

and the girl...leaves!

I was all, we did you a favor!

So we go back out, the dude is still there. Waiting for her. So we both punch him in the face.

Andy

Josh. Did this really happen?

Josh

I think so, I got the police report around here somewhere.

Andy

Ok, ok. Sorry to doubt you.

So give me a brief rundown of what is happening this Sunday.

Josh

Its ok. Lots of people can't believe the awesome

Well, I'll be there around 6, the bros may be coming a little later after volleyball.

I'm gonna get some food, cuz they got a pretty decent menu, bruh.

After I fill up, gonna order some grape bombs to start, you know, for vitamins. Then they got pitchers, bro!

Like the only Wrigley bar that does without paying $20!

Andy

Do they have chicken wings?

Josh

Fuck yeah they do!

Fuckin awesome ones!

Then, when the time's right, we're going either to Uptown Lounge or the Admiral. Get some lap dances

Hottest dancers in the city there.

Andy

Yeah?

My sister works there.

Josh

Yeah, I know

Andy

Ok, well I can't wait to see you on Sunday night!

Happy birthday!

Josh

Me too, bro! Drink alot of water this week!

Andy

Any last thoughts for the public?

Josh

Yeah,

Life isn't a race. It's a Vaughn-a-thon.

Andy

Thanks Josh!

Josh

Fuck yeah, dude.

A Movie Poster That Was Lost In Time

Albert Pyun's Masterwork

Well, this is interesting.  According to the Vicious Lips imdb page, this film is about "A band that finally gets the opportunity for that breakthrough gig if they can make it to an "in" club on another planet in time."  Sounds like a must watch.  I've already been holding this poster up with one hand for a good hour.  1987 was a very exciting time in the direct-to-video film market, and Vicious Lips is no exception.  Check out one of the songs from the film (please let me know if this recieved an Oscar nod...can't find any info!) SAVE ME.

I can't stop watching it.  I do think it's pretty great that 1987 haircuts will come back in the future on other crazy planets.  And what is with the coked out MC of the space club?  He's amazing and I'll bet he has lovely eyes under those neo-hipster sunglasses.

Vicious Lips poster: A

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

The Magic Parlour with Dennis Watkins (Magic Show)

Being a grown up is hard. We have to work for money, get cancer, have children and take the bus to places we don't want to go to to, stand in lines for things we don't want including but not limited to passports, tampons and pawn shops. Everyday is a fucking struggle and it never gets easier until you are so old that you physically cannot wait in these lines anymore and then you die.

You also need to realize as an adult that all your struggles will never be avenged and there's a good chance that you will never find anyone to truly love you to at least share the misery of your life with.

WELL ALL THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE!!

My brain was filled with a pensive lachrymose when I arrived at the Chopin Theater on Friday. Just regular struggles of the day kind of stuff, and to top it all off, we had to go sit through a magic show. I wasn't in the mood for this. I would much rather sit across the street in that little triangle island on the corners of Division and Ashland and watch some crazy bumfights, but I had arrived too late. It was time for this stupid jerk magic show.

To be an adult is to not trust. To always look around your back for the next person who is trying to fuck you and steal your bike or girlfriend. You can't give in and relax because it could be your fatal final mistake.

A MAGIC SHOW!!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I'm here to watch a magician. Magician has become a bad word as an adult, because it means some goofball that opens at comedy clubs and probably touches kids.

Just as I was thinking about how much I hated magicians, Nathan Allen ran onstage. I know we make fun of this guy sometimes, but he really is a fat ugly jerk. But besides those things, Nate has a way to make you excited and happy about something you don't understand or particularly care about. Nate came out and started talking about a magician, but when Nate said "magician" it was exciting. The word felt new!

"This dude is a MAGICIAN!!!" He exclaimed!

And that's all it took for me to get on board. It's like going to a Crosby Stills and Nash concert with your parents and just being all drunk and mad you were ever born and then they play "Southern Cross" and all your troubles melt into the weird picnic basket your mother packed, because she sure as hell wasn't paying for tickets to see CSN without Neil Young, so you are sitting in the Winn-Dixie parking lot on the other side of the fence with some 4 hour old macaroni salad and a couple bottles of Mad Dog.

Dennis Watkins comes on stage. He is a regular looking dude. Handsome. He has one of those Garth Brooks microphones and a bright tie. The thing you quickly learn about him and magic is, the tricks haven't changed too much. Magic technology hasn't been a pressing issue I guess. They are all the same things you saw years ago (ring tricks, card tricks, explosions), but Watkins is much more charming and dynamic than the other guy you saw so not only is it cool, but you WANT to believe it. What is more engaging than the trick is his interaction with volunteers and the audience as a whole. He can work a room and the magic is flawless, I guess. I didn't know how it works and still don't, so to me, that makes it flawless.

But the best thing I can say about the show was, I felt like a kid again. I allowed myself to be excited and amazed by things I didn't understand instead of prejudiced and judging. I think we should all have a chance to feel like that every once in a while, and to share those moments with the people we love, and Watkins and the House Theater are giving us all that chance with this show.

Dennis Watkins is the "Southern Cross" of magic. He does all the old stuff but with new solos.

Go see it, yall.

The Magic Parlour at the House Theatre A+

-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

TOP 5 SHITTY COMIC BOOK DEVICES!!! (comic meditation by Anthony Tournis)

Ugh. I hate talking about things that piss me off, especially when it is associated with something that I like. Not all comics are good, some are plain shitty (Archie). Now a good comic can take a bad turn with a ridiculous plot twist, but some will always suck (Archie). Now I have read some lame shit, however, there are five devices in the comic book world that drive me up a fucking wall. These lame ass devices are completely stupid and will force me to choke someone (this also happens when I read Archie…man that comic sucks). Enough with the Archie bashing, (I could seriously go on forever) here are the Top 5 Shitty Comic book Devices:

5. Introducing characters by slipping their full name into dialogue!

When have you ever used your friends full name upon greeting them? Have you ever done that? No. You haven’t because you aren’t dumb. I understand you need to introduce characters, but you sound like an idiot when two characters who have known each other for years call each other by their full names. Sloppy writing. Give us some credit. I’m sure the reader can figure out it’s Jean Grey. I’m not saying the character cannot introduce themselves. I’m saying that it’s ridiculous when (for example) The X-Men are sitting around the kitchen (just fucking go with it). Jean walks into the room and Professor X says, “Nice of you to join us, Jean Grey.” Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. We don’t need to know anyone’s last name. Work it in later (kind of like my first date).

4. Shadows!!!!!

I’m no artist, but when it’s dark outside…THROW SOME FUCKING SHADOWS ON PEOPLE!!!! How tough is it to shadow someone’s face a little? The ground? Under objects? Better yet, why don’t you just leave everything black and white and let me color it in for you. I know I could do a better job. I’m not talking about shading…shadows!!!! Example:

What’s wrong? NOTHING CASTS A SHADOW!!!! Are they ghosts? What the hell? I know you know what shadow is because you have them fighting in silhouette! Objects cast shadows. It’s a rule.
 
3. Manga Art!

Knock it the fuck off. You suck.

2. Abracadabra! Magic is lame!!!

Yes, I said it. Magic is lame as hell, and it’s an easy cop out. “Oh no! The dragon is attacking!”, “Well I’ll just use my Anti-Dragon spell and *poof* it’s gone!” Magic is lame for that reason alone. Anything can happen with magic because it has no basis in reality (yes comics aren’t real…there’s a difference). With magic anything is possible, which means there is no danger. Where is the suspense if there is a quick spell that could fix anything? “Well sometimes it doesn’t work!” someone might say. To that I retort, “Fuck off! How many times can you use the excuse of ‘My magic is busted’ and still think I care?” I will admit I do like Doctor Strange, BUT in really small doses. I guess in small doses magical characters could work, but if you base a whole comic on magic characters I will hunt you down and shove the Eye of Agamotto up your pee hole.

1. Space…the lame frontier!

How come comic books of the eighties spent so much goddamn time in space? It’s ridiculous. I swear there was a time in comics when anything new was either found in space or given by an alien species. Danger Room, Hover chair, and dumb ass Brainiac are a few examples of stupid space shit. Invent your own shit! On Earth! Just like magic, anything is possible in space. Plus, I don’t care about the alien races that you find. I just know that you are either going to kill them off to tug at my heartstrings, or they are going to give you some new technology that will give you an easy out when you get in a jam. That is the reason why I stopped reading the Fantastic Four. Too much space shit is lame, and I don’t care! Example: Spiderman’s black costume. In the Secret War Spiderman walks into the room with a black costume on and everyone asks “Where did you get that?” Spiderman replies, “Oh there is a machine that made it for me.” LAME!!! Lame and too easy. That conversation could have been about a can of Mountain Dew. “Hey, Mountain Dew? Where did you get that?”, “Oh, there’s a machine down the hall.” Too damn easy!

Exclusive Interview with TOM HICKEY (interview)

This past year I have really been focusing on auditioning at different theater companies to get my name out there and really shine. Two of the great roles I auditioned for were STOLEN from under me by a catfish named Tom Hickey. Two roles I really wanted. I recently sat down with him to ask him how his "career" is going.

Andy

Good morning, Tom.

Tom

Morning, Anderson.

Andy

How are you today? I know you have been so busy lately!

Tom

Yes, I'm referring to this summer as the "Busy Summer" in all of my internal memos. Things have been very busy.

Andy

That's pretty cute. I'm busy too, you know.

Tom

What are you up to?

Andy

Well, just an example: I watched a movie last night.

Tom

I see. While you were watching this movie did someone take your gallbladder out?

Andy

Nope. Do you think I'm an idiot? You need your gall bladder.

Tom

Ha ha! That's a common misconception! Frankly, Andy: unless you're getting your gallbladder removed you are not down with what's on the streets. With the kids.

Andy

Hmmm. I'm not sure I believe you. Did you have yours out or something?

Tom

Yes. And that was a surprise. The "Busy Summer" really kicked into high gear when I had to go in to the hospital and have my gallbladder out.

Andy

I thought getting it out was like a weird sex thing.

Tom

"getting it out" is a weird sex thing but not getting it out - it has to do with the punctuation.

Andy

I see. So what projects are you working on right now, Tom?

Tom

Well, I'm in the last couple weeks of understudying at Steppenwolf for "A Parallelogram" and I'm also rehearsing "Thieves Like Us" for the House.

Andy

Steppenwolf, eh? What's it like working at Steppenwolf? I mean, as an understudy because you are probably too stupid to ever go onstage.

Tom

Steppenwolf is very cool. Most people there don't do anything but make theatre. It's their job. So they don't act weird and tense like those of us who, like, have non-theatre jobs. They are very nice and it's a cool play.

You also get to occasionally see some borderline famous people which can be interesting.

Andy

Have you met anyone famous like Lieutenant Dan?

Or Being John Malkovich?

Tom

Oh man, I only wish I could run into Sinise, Malkovich or my man Gary Cole. The Trinity, we call them. But Tom Irwin, who I'm understudying has done a lot of television. Someone I know saw the show and they told me "I didn't know you were understudying Claire Danes's dad from 'My So Called Life!'"

Which made me feel obscure AND old.

Andy

I don't know who Tom Irwin is, but you are old. I've met some famous people before too.

Tom

Didn't you once help Winston Churchill move a couch?

Andy

Oh you are so fucking hilarious.

How is the House Theater?

Tom

This is the second time I've worked with them. They're cool. This show has a lot of signature House-type stuff in it that I usually don't do. Like "pretend that you're in a car but there's really no car" and "pretend that this part of the stage is a bank and now IT'S NOT A BANK." There's a lot of stuff in "Thieves" that would be tough to do well for anyone other than the House.

Andy

Is there ribbon dancing? The show is probably going to be terrible. Have you met Nathan Allen, at least?

Tom

Nate Allen is a good man. I once accidentally dropped him on the floor and made Matt Hawkins mad at me.

Andy

Oh man. That sounds classic! So Tom. When you look back on your career as an actor, after you have died from not having a gall bladder, what do you want people to really remember about you?

Tom

That's probably a good question to ask myself considering my vision is growing dim and I feel death's bony fingers caressing my heart. Hmmm...

Andy

What about how you think you are better than everyone else?

Tom

Oh, that's old news.
I'm not sure I have an answer to your question but I DO think that my gravestone will say "He had lousy credit."

Andy

Thanks for sitting down with me, Tom. Have a great and fruitful career!

Tom

Thanks, Anderson!

Andy

Go to hell, Tom.

Getting Locked Out In Your Underpants

What Eric Roach might look like in his underpants (artist's rendition)

So, I got locked out of my house in my boxers yesterday.  I was home from work, doing my daily chores, and it was just a beautiful day in Chicago.  One of those days that reminds you why you live in this town.  I had all the windows open, and I was taking the trash down to the dumpster.  Boxers, zombie t-shirt, flip flops.  That's it.  Well, the wind caught the door and slammed it shut when I went out to the porch.  LOCKED!  I started to panic a touch.  Ok, the bathroom window...maybe I could jimmy that open.  No luck.  I looked down and found a bobby pin.  Now, if you don't know, I'm an avid player of Fallout 3, and in that game you pick locks with bobby pins.  I had gotten really good at it during the course of the game.  Well, it turns out that picking a lock with a bobby pin is harder in real life than it is in a video game.  Have I mentioned that I am 35 years old?

So, there I was, sweating in my underpants, wondering how my life could have gotten me here.  I realized that my only way out was to call my fantastic wife at work and see if she could help her poor, stupid, and mostly naked husband.  I knew that there was a kid in the apartment above, he runs around the place like Rex Grossman wondering what empty spot on the field to toss the ball into.  I made my way up a flight and knocked on the door.  This young and impossibly handsome and well built black man opened the door.  We made love.

Nah, but he did let me use his HTC to call my wife.  His name's Carey and he's got a cute little black boy named Julian.  All three of us were in our underpants on his back stoop waiting for my wife to call me back.  I find out that not only is he a father and a veteran of two overseas tours of duty in South America and Iraq, he is also going to Northwestern for a law degree.  I failed to tell him that I spent 5 years in school blowing bong hits and squeaking my way to a BA in Pretending.  I didn't want to make him feel bad since he was helping me out.

Finally my wife called and told me she had gotten a hold of our good friend Tim, who has a set of our keys because we all belong to the same swinger group.  Took him 5 minutes to walk up to my place and let me in.  All in all, my adventure in being partially clothed outside lasted around half an hour.

Thanks to black soldier Carey, my lovely wife, and Tim and his dog Crystal for doing their best.

No thanks to Fallout 3.  Way to teach me NOTHING, video games.

Getting Locked Out In Your Underpants: C-

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

The Elyse/Jenny Whiteboard Hoax (hoax review)

I quit too. 

Whiteboard Hoax: F-

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

STOP SCREWING UP THE PUNISHER or YOU PEOPLE COULD FUCK UP A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH! (comic meditation by Anthony Tournis)

Listen, I’m going to be blunt. Stop fucking up the Punisher. I’m a Punisher fan. I think he is a great comic book character. He’s dark, brutal, out of control, and he knows it. He is the absolute end of the spectrum in the vigilante world. If you think about it the Punisher is Batman done somewhat realistically (I say somewhat because this is a comic book and is in no sense real (I feel stupid for having to say that but I know there is someone out there that will call me on it)). The Punisher does the same thing that Batman does, but doesn’t have the gadgets that come from being a stuck up rich kid (Batman is a stuck up rich kid (let’s see him fight crime on the cheap!)). The Punisher just kills people. Much more realistic and simple. Then again, it’s a simple concept. Frank Castle, an ex-special forces family man, is picnicking with his family when his wife and kids are killed by gangsters because they stumbled across a gangland killing. This event sets him off and sparks a one man war against crime in New York. Is that simple enough for you? It’s not rocket science. It’s really easy and formulaic. It’s almost too simple: guy kills criminals and eludes the police. THEN HOW COME HOLLYWOOD KEEPS FUCKING IT UP? Let’s take a look at the history of Punisher movies. In 1989 “Punisher” is released starring Dolph Lundgren. It completely blows. It’s gritty and violent, but the script is horrible, the bad guys are completely forgettable, they deviated from the back story, and they got rid of the skull that the Punisher usually wears on his chest. It’s Horrible. Then in 2004 “The Punisher” was released. It was alright. Thomas Jane was pretty good and it has an awesome fight scene between the Punisher and a big Russian (it’s Kevin Nash wrestling fans) but the script was weak again, they completely reinvented his back story (not for the better),and it was really tame for the Punisher. Finally, there was “Punisher: War Zone” in 2008. Absolutely blows. The Punisher looked great and the violence was at the right level (it’s almost comical in parts) BUT once again the script blows, the characters are lame, and they turned a great villain into a mindless thug. Three strikes. You’re out. The main problem with all of these movies is shitty writing. What I don’t understand is that there are amazing writers that actually write Punisher comics…has it ever occurred to you to ask them to write a movie? Garth Ennis wrote one of the greatest Punisher stories of all time…book him! Jason Aaron is writing amazing stuff as we speak…what’s wrong with him? One of the major problems with comic book movies is that Hollywood assholes have their own writers and don’t consider the guys who actually, y’know, write the stuff for a living. If Spiderman 3 was written by Brian Michael Bendis then it wouldn’t have been a huge chunk of shit (I mean seriously, that movie was awful). However, the comic book writer’s hands aren’t necessarily clean in the case of Punisher either. ARCHIE MEETS THE PUNISHER!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? No. I’m not. This is absolutely serious. This was a one shot cross over where the Punisher is sent to Riverdale to catch a notorious drug dealer named “Red”. Now who (in this airtight story) do you think gets mistaken for “Red”? That’s right. ARCHIE!!! There isn’t a string of profanity long enough for me to exclaim how stupid this idea was! Oh, and that wasn’t an isolated incident. A couple months ago a story line emerged where the Punisher is sliced to bits and murdered by Wolverine’s son (Daken), BUT is later put back together like Frankenstein by monsters living underground to help fight off a group of people trying to kill the monsters…living underground. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?!?!?!?!? They turned the Punisher into Frankenstein, or as the book is so eloquently called: FRANKENCASTLE! Now I can understand that every once in a while you have a bad story line, I get that, but FrankenCastle was made into a series…A WHOLE FUCKING SERIES!!!!! The Punisher is like a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. Simple, yet there are some key steps, but all in all relatively easy to make. SO WHY DO THEY KEEP FUCKING HIM UP? This post is pissing me off so I am just going to end it by saying that I am throwing down the gauntlet. I defy Hollywood to create a GREAT Punisher movie. Characters that I care about, lines that don’t sound like they are from a 50’s gangster film, a dark and seedy world without it being cheesy, and for god sake leave the violence in! I await your reply.

Yogi Bear 3D Poster (poster review)

Great things come in bears, indeed.  This is the most perfect marketing image ever created.  Children, whom this movie must be aimed at, will have no idea of the unbelievable triple entendre that it employs.  Jaded teens and hipster doofuses and Gen-X irony loving parents will see it and not be able to reconcile that a group of West Hollywood PR men actually greenlit an image so notably disturbing.  If you don't think this was done on purpose, I have some really great bridges to sell you in the vicinity of New York State.

Poster for Yogi Bear 3D: A (fucking) +

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

Wassup! Magazine (Magazine)

I am a curious guy. I need to know a lot of things all the time, and I feel like most of us in the information age are the same. If I'm looking for tickets to a play or ballgame, I can hop on the internet and find the information I'm looking for. If I need to know what the word 'miasma' means, I can find that out too.
But our culture of instant information has left us with a few holes in the Chicago area. Not everything makes it to the web as quickly as we need it to. This is why we need a free monthly publication of bar advertisements and articles about bars. For those of us who thrive in the bar and pub scene, staying on top of the newest and coolest places is essential.
For example, how many times have you been with some friends on a Friday night and wondered, "Where can I go to find some fat girls in Blackhawks jerseys?"
Do you think you can find that out on the internet? No. You can not.

While I write this in August, I am sitting down with a fresh July issue of Wassup! Magazine and I can tell you where to go for fat girls in Blackhawks jerseys in June. Wanna know where it is? It is Trinity Pub at 5943 N. Northwest Highway. It is also at Fiesta Cantina at 3407 N. Clark St. It is also at Moretti's at 6727 N. Olmstead.
I am starting to see a trend here. In fact, every bar in this magazine has a picture of 5 or 6 fat people looking at the camera, smiling with big red cheeks and red shirts with Chief Blackhawk on it.
Did you know that the Blackhawks won the hockey World Series? Is that on the internet?
Nope, but it's in Wassup! Magazine.



Now I know I'm not the only guy in town who is looking for a "Blow Pop" shot on a Monday night at 1am because the bartender of the month makes them. His name is Joe Zelenka and for his softball team he always makes "Mexican Standoffs" for the players.
Do you think you can learn that on the internet?

I'm sure that Wassup! Magazine has a website, but why would you go to it? You can get all this information from this magazine that you can pick up sometimes in Lincoln Park some places, and also maybe in Wrigleyville.
It's convenient, it's full of valuable information and jokes.
I don't wanna ruin these classic jokes for you, so I will just give you two punch lines from jokes inside Wassup! Magazine.

#1. A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking the operation was unsuccessful"

#2. "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

This magazine has it all, and it is free! Is the internet free, jerks?

Do you know where to see "Sinzation Male Revue" now in it's sixth hot year?
Nope.

So dudes, please don't knock Wassup! Magazine till you've really given it a sweet look.
There is a crossword puzzle and a cartoon of old people talking about Twitter and also some limosine company advertisements.

Now go party with some friends and maybe YOU can wind up in this amazing piece of media!

Wassup Magazine - A+
Internet- F-


-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach