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Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Catholic Church's Mandatory Class on How To Protect Your Children From Evil Pedophiles (God Week classes) GUEST REVIEWER MIKE BEYER

My children go to a Catholic elementary school in the city. The school itself is pretty excellent, and does a nice job of involving the parents and their wallets in our children's education. However, there are certain realities associated with Catholic schools -- chiefly the issue of those randy priests! Fortunately for us parents, the Archdiocese is here to help. They offer a one-day seminar that teaches exactly how to spot those nasty child molesters who lurk at every turn. And really, who better to offer this lesson than a bunch of priests?

Like a good Catholic, I saw the movie Doubt, just to get a look at the good old days when times were right! That movie taught me that occasionally there is a good reason for pedophilia -- if it protects the child in question from racism. With that in mind, my wife and I attended the Church's seminar -- which is required if we want to so much as set foot in our beloved school.

The seminar took place in a gigantic conference room in a church on Chicago's South Side. Like the church itself, this room was once glorious but is now covered in dust and the smell of mothballs. I was the only male in the room -- which turned me into a convenient target for these mothers' fear. I was happy to be that target if it meant the future protection of my children from godless scum who crave youngsters.

We were shown several videotapes on pedophilia, which taught me to keep on the lookout for dudes in ponytails with glasses and goatees. Forget the priests -- THEY are the danger! They got rid of all the bad or confused priests. Now the good ones remain, and they are here to help. But....kids should still avoid them at all costs. Just to prevent any kind of loose talk.

REVIEW: B+ My kids are now safe. Thanks Church!

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