Do you know who Dan Whitney is? Of course you don't, that dude is a loser. But you sure as fuck know who Larry the Cable Guy is! Larry is not a real cable guy, because real cable guys aren't as funny as he is and they always keep me waiting. Not Larry...he brings the humor that I enjoy within the prescribed window of time (8 to noon or noon to 4).
There are comedians out there who play with words...not Larry, he obliterates words. Have you heard his "catch phrases"? They are part of the American vernacular now, what with millions of Southerners and people who want to be Southerners always wanting me to GIT-R-DONE! I will do just that, people imitating Larry the Cable Guy!
"That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!" exclaims Larry in one of his postmodern routines. See, no one has the inclination to actually be a homophobe or a racist anymore, instead we like our bigotry and hatred of gays to come from characters who speak their minds and won't let the man get them down! In fact, the man sells most of Larry's comedy output, because he makes most of his money from Wal-Mart and pontoon boat docks.
Anyways, look up "Poop Lasagna" on his latest album Morning Constitutions. You'll never have to worry about something being funny again, because Larry is there to install it in your tv of hilariousness!
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer
5 hours ago