Thursday, August 13, 2009

Plagues of Egypt (God Week)

Locusts, gnats, frogs, flies, and sick cows. Well well well, God, you must be crazy if you think these things will work nowadays. What is to stop me from just going inside away from sneezy cows and frog rain?
I mean, I guess I gotta give you props for thinking up stuff that no human would've EVER thought of, and only a God could have been creative enough to invent.
But if you think of it, back then, people who ran the fly farms would've had a really hard time if all of their fly crops started dieing. Some of the other plagues were, blood rivers, unhealable boils, darkness (maybe a plague to heterosexuality), and my personal favorite, hail mixed with fire. I mean, GOD DAMN that would be crazy, guys.
Is it cold? Yep. Hot? Yep. Dang.

So, naturally, I started thinking about the plagues and what God could do nowadays to wash away the nonbelievers. Here is my list of new plagues...

iGnats- I saw where God was going with these gnats, but that just won't do nowadays. Today we are more sophisticated so we'd need gnats that come through the internet and could possibly affect our annual porno crop.

Bad Eyesight- Has plagued me for years, this is more of an inconvenience.

Pissed-off Conservative Women- Because, seriously, pick one or the other.

Rivers of Blood- This is the same as God's plague. CREEPY!!!!

Cheaply Made Jesus Candles- Because, while this really isn't ironic, irony is a plague.

Cancer- Maybe you should believe in God a little more.

I hope these are helpful as we are looking more towards the end of the world, if I were you, I'd start packing my bags for space, because God can not get us there.
God's Plagues:
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach

1 comment:

  1. Anderson,

    I have come to believe in God's plagues. I live in Louisville, KY and in the last year, we've been visited by a hurricane (and no, that's not a typo), an ice storm of epic proportions, a flood and now the Rick Pitino scandal. Only the locusts haven't visited... yet. (I'm starting to hoard bug spray.)

    When's the next space shuttle flight?