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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Swedes (people)

The Swedes are an ethnic group that mostly live in Sweden but they've branched out to Finland and Andersonville, so I guess I have to talk about them. Swedes pretty much think they are fucking awesome, being tall and nordic and having great bikini teams and all that. They also make weird sausages out of horse meat and lingonberry jam. A lingonberry tastes like a cross between kitty litter and the music of Tom Petty.

There are 7.5 million Swedes in Sweden and 4.3 million people of Swedish descent in America. What the hell America? Race mixing? Is that what we've come to? Luckily, they're white, so it'll "play in Peoria" as they say. Peoria is lousy with Swedes.

I just can't stand them. With their cakes and their big breasts and their incredibly tasty breakfasts. How am I supposed to resist that? I'm half Slovak, and all we have going for us is that we were pussy enough to get totally conquered by just about everyone up to and including the Nazis. Swedes make fucking great Nazis. Remember that.

Maybe things will get better if they just keep their snow and incredibly painterly and artistic films to themselves. Give me football and beer, I'm ready to party. These damn Swedes can't even learn to drink right. Did you know a lot of their bars won't even let you in unless you're 23 and in a band? Everyone in Sweden is in a Jazz fusion band.

This is what happens when Swedes take over the world: the sun comes out at midnight, we have to eat pancakes all the time, and no one ever takes a nap. Thanks a lot, Sweden.

F.

-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer

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