John Hughes, the man behind hundreds of movies about teen angst and hardship and overcoming adversity has perished. I did not like most of his movies, but I'm always sad to see a fellow person bite the big pillow of life.
But, come to think of it, there was one movie he made that really inspired me, and was also the first time I got to touch a girls boob.
Highlander is a movie about a teenager in Scotland who kills an immortal giant and Sean Connery is a Mexican and there are Japanese people too. This is all well and good.
Also, the Scottish kid has to do homework (HOMEWORK!!?) and has a montage of dancing and trying on clothes and spilling a milkshake on his immortal warlock uncle at the mall.
Anyway, I went with a group of friends in my mom's minivan when I was 13.
Little did my mom know that I would soon be touching somebody elses breasts. It had been a while since I had touched any breasts, but it's like riding a bicycle. A bicycle with nipples. 13 year old nipples.
Well, we went to see one movie, I think it was Independence Day. Independence Day was always sold out, so will be getting a bad review later on.
We had to see Highlander, directed by John Hughes. He really understood what it was like to be a teenager, I think. Me and Sarah, or Erin, or Tina sat and pretended like we were watching the movie, but we all knew what was about to happen. She was getting her boobs ready to be touched when I jumped the gun and grabbed away. I was positive I would be swiped away, but thankfully for me and my sweaty face I was not.
I touched the left one with my left hand. You see, we had to look like we were just sitting there with our arms crossed, or my friend Pat sitting next to me would see, and then everybody in school would know that I touched Jennifer, or Sandy or whatever's boobs!
Well, just when I was gonna go for the right one too, Pat got up to use the bathroom, and I got scared and chickened out. So, in the end, only the left one got touched. Man, was I nervous!!
Anyhow, Karen, or Susan left with her friends before the credits roled, but I will always remember seeing the images of Highlander by John Hughes that helped make me a man.
Now I can say with confidence, Two Boobs Enter, One Boob Leaves (without being touched by Andy).
Thank you John Hughes
-Anderson Lawfer, Eric Roach
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