Hell yes it's God Week on Reviews You Can Iews, and today I decided to stick close to my heart when deciding what you can iews. That's why this honky chose Lutheran Confirmation classes. So if you're a Lutheran, or as I like to call them "Catholics with a keg in the multi-purpose room," you have to take two years of confirmation classes to basically validate your entire existence. These start in 6th grade and happen one day a week for 2 years. Basically, a totally bogus way to make me not play Nintendo. Thanks, God. We would sit in the church basement, which smelled like milk and hell, and our pastor (Pastor GERALD...read nothing into this) would explain what awesome shit Martin Luther got up to in the Dark Ages. He was a monk that was sick of all those rules like "Hey don't ever have sex!" and "Hey keep flogging yourself, it's kickass!" He nailed (yeah, nailed) his 95 Theses (yeah, theses) to the door of the church in Austerdam, or whatever shithole in Germany he was from and banged all sorts of dirty nuns. Luther is the patron saint of nun banging. This freaked everyone out so hard that they threw his ass in a castle and locked him up. Unfortunately for them, there was a printing press there (OH SNAP Y'ALL!) and he printed bibles for everyone to read. Well, I wish he would have put something in there about not shoplifting from Walgreens during confirmation classes, because I sure did. One day, I stuffed a few pens, a calculator, 12 Hershey's bars (almond) and some hairbrushes into my coat. I thought I was all David Niven...turns out I was all David Naughton (he was a failed actor in the 80s). I was stopped by the entire Walgreens staff and made to go wait in the managers office for my mom. This caused all sorts of problems for me. Pastor Gerald didn't know what to do with me after that. So, I finished out my confirmation classes and answered all the questions and won the day. Or something. I don't remember. But, it sure was neat learning all those things about religion...they certainly left a mark.
-Eric Roach, Anderson Lawfer