Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Confession Stand (Catholic sacrament) GUEST REVIEWER Quierkki Boerkenhagan

I have a GodchurchBabyJesus review. The other day, at a street fair, I had too many Blue Moons at the Simon’s beer tent and I really had to pee. I can’t go into pour-the-pottys because as much as a I try and I try and I try, I look down. So there was this church and the door was open and everything. I asked this lady who worked there, well I thinked she worked there. She was lighting all the candles and she was crying so she must really not like her job but I THOUGHT she said first door on the right but maybe she said the first door on the left? But I went to the first door on the right and it was dark, dark, dark in there and I went in and I tried to find the light but you all, oh my God! There was this MAN in there behind this fence that had all these little holes in it and CHRIST that guy freaked me out, cause I thought he was one of those perverted catholic people that are always on the news and I was all like, “This isn’t the bathroom, beeyotch” but but then he was like, talking to me, calling me a CHILD and I was frozen in TERROR.

And then I was like to myself, “OMGOMGOMG –DUH Quorqi- this is a confession stand and I can’t remember about this room but I think am supposed to do bad things in here? And if I do them in here, I won’t get in trouble by my God? “

My God is different than other people’s Gods. That’s what my friend “Pallison” says.

And then I think I remembered something about beads and confession stands at parades and someone will give me beads like at the Mardi Gras so I lifted my shirt and showed the guy my boobies but the I didn’t get any fucking beads. I kept in trying, but he kept on gurgling. I think he was not feeling well. I said, “Whaza matter little fella?” I tried to stick my fingers in the little holes and pet him but he wasn’t in there anymore. So I tried really hard to do a few more sin things so I would go to Heaven and be forgiven, so I said lots of illegal God phrasings like “fuckin shit”, “God Damn baby Jesus” and a whole bunch of other stuff about sex and stealing lip gloss. Oh boy. I hope it was enough. I really had to pee, so after a couple of hours waiting for the guy to come back, I finally left.

But you know… God freaks me out, especially pictures of him with babies floating around his head, but it was very very very good and fun to use the confession stand and I am sure, vvvveeerryyy sure, that one day, I will be an angel.

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